AUGUST 1, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Patterson Takes Office in 1940. Impact: Patterson being sworn in led to a series of bureaucratic decisions that ultimately resulted in the construction of a time machine in the year 2075, which is why you're reading this now. Fact: Patterson was known for his ability to make a really boring meeting even more boring. Some say he could put a caffeinated squirrel to sleep.
• Headline: Controller Appointment of Gen. Por. Impact: The selection of the new Controller sparked a chain reaction that eventually led to the establishment of the world's most ridiculous accounting software, which still fails to balance. Fact: F.H. Brown is now a popular name for a fictional accountant character in a series of failed sitcoms.
• Headline: Massena Aluminum Workers Win Wage Increase. Impact: Massena's aluminum wage rise made waves that led to a nationwide shortage of aluminum cans — conspiracy theorists claim it was a ploy by hipsters to drive up craft beer prices. Fact: In 2023, the average American consumes 12.4 gallons of beer annually. Who knew aluminum cans were the real heroes all along?.
• Headline: WPA SUSPENDS SIX AS SECRETLY RED; Charges Affidavits Denying They Were Communists Ware Made Fraudulently BROWDER BOOK IS CITED All Are Said to Have Signed Copy Presented to Banta, Who Later Quit Party. Impact: The suspension of six WPA members for secret communism inadvertently inspired future generations of conspiracy theorists who would later blame every global event on a shadowy cabal. Fact: The book by Browder, 'People's Front', is still a popular read among those trying to connect the dots between cats and world domination.
• Headline: WESTINGHOUSE SETS RECORD FOR ORDERS; REPORTS PEAK BUSINESS. Impact: Westinghouse's record orders led to an unexpected boom in the energy sector, which ultimately fueled the rise of the electric toaster as an essential kitchen appliance. Fact: Toasters have since been declared a national treasure; they toast both bread and the hopes of a balanced breakfast.
• Headline: HUNTER FACULTY MEETS; Annual Summer Session Luncheon and Reunion Held. Impact: The Hunter Faculty Luncheon created a networking opportunity that led to the formation of the world's first academic conspiracy theorist group, 'Academics Against Reality'. Fact: Summer sessions are basically the adult version of summer camp, except the only thing you're roasting is your chance of a tenure-track position.
• Headline: Motor Boat Burns Off Jamaica. Impact: The Lady Slater's tragic sinking off Jamaica sparked a global movement advocating for better safety regulations, which led to the invention of the inflatable life jacket — just in time for the Titanic. Fact: Motor boats have a long history of being better at sinking than staying afloat, a trend that seems to continue to this day.
• Headline: Once in Forbidden Zone Is Enough for American. Impact: The American's brief foray into the forbidden zone led to an international treaty that classified 'forbidden zones' as prime tourist spots, much to the dismay of local authorities. Fact: Going into forbidden zones is basically the adult version of sneaking into the cookie jar, only with more legal consequences.
• Headline: REV. G.D. EGBERT RITES; 500 Attend Service for Pastor of First Church, Flushing. Impact: The large turnout for Rev. G.D. Egbert's funeral led to a significant increase in the popularity of 'pastor-themed' merchandise, including coffee mugs that say, 'My Pastor is Better Than Yours'. Fact: Rev. Egbert was known for his captivating sermons, which some say could even make a tax audit sound thrilling.
• Headline: SNAKE DEFIERS JAILED; Two in Georgia Sect Are Held as Child Is Found Bitten. Impact: The jailing of the snake defiers led to a nationwide panic about snake handling, resulting in the formation of the Anti-Snake Handling Coalition, which ironically, handled a lot of snakes. Fact: In Georgia, snake handling is considered a rite of passage, much like learning to ride a bike, only with a higher chance of needing medical attention.