JULY 25, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Appointment as Named State School Visitor. Impact: The appointment of a State School Visitor may have sparked a nationwide obsession with educational oversight. Fast forward to today, and we have a plethora of school board meetings filled with parents arguing over the merits of gluten-free snacks in classrooms. Thanks, Saratoga Springs!. Fact: State School Visitors are like the referees of education—nobody really likes them, but we all know they’re necessary to keep order in the chaotic world of academia..
• Headline: Westchester Wins Chirillos Removal Case. Impact: The Chirillos’ return to Ohio could have inadvertently led to the rise of reality TV shows centered around family drama. It’s like the Butterfly Effect but with more yelling and fewer heartwarming moments.. Fact: Sixty similar cases? Sounds like a family reunion gone horribly wrong..
• Headline: M'ELLIGOTT RETIRES HIMSELF, 7 OTHERS; Fire Chief Restores Pensions Mayor Upset in February as Aiding 'Hand-Picked Few' LA GUARDIA NOT TO APPEAL Accepts Order Based on the Appellate Court's Decision Finding No Bad Faith. Impact: M'Elligott's retirement could have been the catalyst for a nationwide trend of 'retirement parties' where everyone pretends to be happy while secretly plotting their own escape from work.. Fact: Restoring pensions sounds nice until you realize it’s just a fancy way of saying, 'Here’s your gold watch, now go away!'.
• Headline: Honor Paid to Smedley Butler. Impact: Honoring Smedley Butler may have sparked an entire movement of people seeking validation from their long-forgotten relatives. It’s like the hipster version of ancestor worship.. Fact: Smedley Butler’s life reads like a movie script—too bad he didn’t get to see the Hollywood version of his own saga..
• Headline: U. S. Holds First Person For Refusing Census Data. Impact: The first arrest for refusing to provide census data likely scared everyone into compliance, fostering an entire generation of citizens who willingly divulge their deepest secrets to strangers. Thanks, Big Brother!. Fact: Refusing to give census data is like refusing to answer a phone call from a telemarketer: you might think you’re winning, but really, you’re just delaying the inevitable..
• Headline: ASKS FUND TO ARM MILLION MEN NOW; Johnson Says Army Expects Ability to Equip as Many More Each Quarter NEW DEMANDS ARE HINTED House Committee Hears That $1,200,000,000 Over Request May Soon Be Sought. Impact: Johnson’s call for funding to arm a million men may have inadvertently led to the rise of military contractors, who are now having a field day with government budgets. Who knew a million men could cost so much?. Fact: Asking for $1.2 billion over budget is just like asking for extra cheese on your pizza—everyone knows it’s going to happen, but we all pretend to be shocked when the bill comes..
• Headline: 3 INDICTED IN FRAUDS OF $14,959 ON THE CITY; Shoring Company Officials Held After Being Freed Last Month. Impact: The indictment of the shoring company officials could have set off a wave of fraud investigations, leading to a new career path for aspiring detectives. Crime pays, but only if you get caught!. Fact: Fraudulent bills for city work? Sounds like a classic case of 'the check is in the mail!'.
• Headline: UTILITY POSTS EXCISE TAX; Public Service of New Jersey Places $12,581,256 With State. Impact: The utility's excise tax payment might have inspired future generations to find more creative ways to tax citizens. If it’s not nailed down, it’s fair game!. Fact: Excise taxes are like the government’s way of asking for a tip after dinner; you didn’t ask for it, but you’re probably going to pay it anyway..
• Headline: CALLS VOTE ISSUE CLEAR; Elliott Roosevelt Says Willkie Is Challenge to New Deal. Impact: Elliott Roosevelt's commentary on Willkie likely fueled political debates that have lasted generations, leading to the current state of political discourse—full of shouting matches and little substance.. Fact: Calling Willkie a challenge to the New Deal is like calling a rainstorm a challenge to your picnic—spoiler alert: it’s not going to end well..