MAY 17, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Degrelle Captured in France. Impact: Had Degrelle never been apprehended, he might have inspired a cult of failed dictators with questionable mustaches across Europe, leading to a surge in bad haircuts and even worse political ideologies.. Fact: Degrelle attempted to create a new movement after WWII. Spoiler alert: it didn’t catch on..
• Headline: Stassen Seeks Ideas for Keynote Speech. Impact: Stassen's call for suggestions led to an avalanche of ideas, including a proposal for a 'National Nap Day' that somehow became a holiday, inspiring mass laziness across generations.. Fact: Stassen was running for president more times than most people change their socks. Talk about commitment!.
• Headline: State Guardsman Shot at Local Armory. Impact: Captain Barcus’s injury led to stricter safety protocols in armories, which eventually inspired the creation of the first-ever safety manual for armory coffee breaks.. Fact: Getting shot in an armory is a great way to avoid awkward small talk—unless you're the one who gets shot..
• Headline: PUBLISHERS WILL MOVE; Chilton Company Leases Large Space in Pershing Sq. Building. Impact: The Chilton Company leasing space sparked an unexpected real estate boom, inadvertently leading to the rise of overpriced coffee shops and artisanal donut stores. Thanks, Chilton!. Fact: This is how the 'hipster office' was born—when publishers needed a place to lease, suddenly everyone wanted to be a writer..
• Headline: Dog Discovers Park Suicide. Impact: The dog's discovery of the park suicide led to a movement for canine mental health advocacy, creating a world where dogs are therapists, proving that they are better listeners than most humans.. Fact: Dogs are known to have acute senses, but one dog’s nose led to a lot more than just a sniffle—it sparked the canine therapy industry!.
• Headline: Mt. Vernon Ex-Official Injured. Impact: The carbon monoxide incident was a grim reminder that safety standards should be a priority, eventually leading to the creation of the first carbon monoxide detector—because who wants to play Russian roulette with their home heating?. Fact: Carbon monoxide is colorless and odorless, which makes it the perfect party crasher—unfortunately, it doesn’t bring snacks..
• Headline: DRIVE SECTION OPEN TODAY; East River Road, Montgomery to 30th St., Ready for Use. Impact: The opening of East River Road transformed the area into a bustling hub of activity, leading to an influx of tourists and the rise of countless local businesses selling overpriced trinkets.. Fact: Roads: the original influencers of traffic jams and overpriced parking tickets since the dawn of time..
• Headline: Asks More California Defense. Impact: California's plea for defense funds somehow led to an increase in beach volleyball funding, resulting in a significant uptick in sunburns and questionable tan lines.. Fact: Who knew that asking for defense could translate into an increase in beach parties? Priorities, California!.
• Headline: Nazi Plane Sinks Former U.S. Liner Harding; Allies' Sea Losses Put at 90,000 Tons in a Day; FORMER U.S. LINER SUNK BY NAZI FLIER. Impact: The sinking of the U.S. liner by a Nazi plane led to the creation of 'Survivors of Sinking Ships' support groups, which eventually resulted in the birth of reality TV—thanks, Nazis!. Fact: It’s said that the liner had been turned into a floating disco before its demise. Partying hard is now a historical tragedy..
• Headline: NAVY MAKES PLEAS TO SPEED BUILDING; Capt. Fisher Asks House Group for End of 'Restrictive' Statutes on Contracts AND EASING OF HEALEY ACT Compton and Admirals Urge Senate Committee to Back Bureau Consolidation. Impact: The Navy's plea to speed up construction resulted in the creation of an entire industry dedicated to 'expedited naval contracts,' paving the way for modern-day bureaucracy to finally meet its match—red tape.. Fact: The Navy has been asking for faster construction since the days of wooden ships. Some things never change, do they?.