MAY 13, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: McCombe Critiques Advocates of Greater License. Impact: If McCombe hadn't railed against these 'discarded theories', we might have skipped straight to a dystopian reality where we all believe in flat Earth and time travel is just a myth. Thanks for the near apocalypse, McCombe!. Fact: Sermons on conservatism are basically the original TED Talks—just with fewer slides and a lot more fire and brimstone..
• Headline: $3 Billion Bill for Public Works Relief. Impact: This bill was the financial equivalent of a kid trying to trade their lunch money for a new video game. It set the precedent for future politicians to dip into shiny pots of gold and silver instead of actually solving economic problems.. Fact: In 1930, $3 billion would have bought you a small island, a fleet of boats, and a lifetime supply of ice cream. Today, it's just a typical day in Congress..
• Headline: Britain's War Cabinet of 1940. Impact: The 1916 War Cabinet was like the original Avengers—but instead of saving the world from aliens, they were just trying to not mess up a global conflict. Spoiler: they didn't succeed.. Fact: It's ironic that the War Cabinet was full of men who apparently couldn't cabinet shop to save their lives, but they sure could create chaos worldwide..
• Headline: SEE HIGH MILITARY COSTS; Berlin's Financial Circles Deduce Item From Bank's Statement. Impact: Berlin's financial circles figuring out military costs was like a toddler trying to solve a Rubik's cube—confusing and ultimately pointless when the real problem was just putting down the toy.. Fact: If only the financial circles had put as much effort into peace as they did into their balance sheets, they might have saved themselves some serious headaches..
• Headline: ECUADOR GREETS THE FAIR BY RADIO; Acting President Emphasizes Need of Solidarity for Western Hemisphere. Impact: Ecuador's call for solidarity was like trying to get a group of cats to cooperate. While everyone nodded in agreement, the actual implementation was more like herding cats into a bathtub.. Fact: Goodwill broadcast? More like ‘let's pretend we care while we secretly plot our own agendas’ broadcast..
• Headline: BROKEN WATER MAIN FLOODS PART OF FAIR; Six-Foot Geyser Spurts Stream Over 400-Foot Area. Impact: This broken water main turned into a geyser, which might have been the universe's way of saying, 'Why not flood the fair while we're at it?'. The only thing missing was a water slide.. Fact: If only they could have harnessed that geyser for energy—they could have powered the entire fair and saved money on the clean-up!.
• Headline: STRONG WAR STAND URGED ON AMERICAS; 'Non-Belligerent' Role Like Italy's Proposed by Argentina to Cope With Aggression. Impact: Uruguay's proposal for a stronger war stance was like putting a toddler in charge of a candy store—cute, but ultimately a recipe for disaster when it comes to handling aggression.. Fact: If Latin America had a dollar for every time they had to deal with aggression, they'd probably have enough to fund their own superhero movies..