APRIL 20, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Honoring J McMichael's Peace Efforts. Impact: J McMichael's peace efforts inspired a generation of students to form peace clubs, which eventually led to a global movement that somehow ended up with people meditating on street corners instead of solving real problems. Thanks, J!. Fact: Student Unions have been around since the dawn of time, or at least since the first person tried to organize a pizza party and ended up starting a political revolution.
• Headline: The Science Behind a Sneeze. Impact: Prof M W Jennison's sneeze studies triggered a worldwide fascination with bodily functions, leading to a series of unfortunate viral videos that made sneezing a hashtag trend on social media. #BlessYou!. Fact: High-speed cameras are just like regular cameras, except they capture moments at a speed that would make a cheetah look like it’s in slow motion. Sneeze, and you’ll miss it!.
• Headline: DRIVE TO UNSEAT SIMPSON REBUFFED BY LEADERS HERE; County Executive Group Votes Unanimously to Reaffirm Confidence in Chairman HE CHALLENGES 'PURGE' Says He Will Serve Whole Party, Not Be 'Sales Manager' for Any One Candidate. Impact: The unanimous vote to reaffirm K F Simpson as Chairman meant that political mediocrity was officially in charge, setting the stage for uninspired speeches and an endless loop of campaign promises that never quite materialized. Fact: Being a County Executive Chairman is a lot like being a referee at a toddler soccer game. Everyone thinks they can do it better, and nobody really knows what's going on.
• Headline: 'GONE WITH WIND' A LONDON SUCCESS; Record Advance Ticket Sale of 10,000 Reached at Three Theatres Showing Film 20,000 A WEEK FORESEEN Britain Hopes Non-Exportable Profits Will Be Reinvested --Critics Enthusiastic. Impact: The success of 'Gone With the Wind' in London unintentionally triggered a wave of historical epics that led to a Netflix binge-watching culture where people claim to have seen every classic film while really just scrolling through their phones. Fact: 'Gone With the Wind' is proof that people will pay to see drama unfold, whether it’s on-screen or in the lives of their friends. Pass the popcorn!.
• Headline: HIGH COURT ORDERS EXECUTION OF DOG; Appellate Division Upholds the City on Third-Bite Ruling in Unusual Litigation. Impact: The execution of a dog for biting three people launched a bizarre trend in pet-related litigation, eventually leading to the rise of pet lawyers and a new reality show called 'Judge Barkley.'. Fact: In the hierarchy of law, pets have been known to get better representation than most people. Maybe we should all start barking our cases!.
• Headline: KAHN ESTATE SOLD FOR A SUBDIVISION; Sanitation Department Group Gives Up Property Bought as Recreation Center. Impact: The sale of the Kahn estate for a subdivision signaled the decline of recreational spaces, paving the way for cookie-cutter houses and a future where every neighborhood looks like it was designed by a particularly uninspired robot. Fact: Subdivisions are just like Lego sets, but instead of being fun, they leave you with an existential crisis about your life choices.
• Headline: 2 TRANSPORTS HIT, NAZI FLIERS CLAIM; Four British Submarines Are Listed as Sunk--London Says Foe Lost 54 Planes. Impact: The bombing of British transports by Nazi fliers led to a paranoid society where people started checking for spies in their gardens, ultimately resulting in the invention of backyard surveillance cameras. Thanks, WWII!. Fact: World War II was like the worst game of hide and seek ever, where the stakes were life and death, and everyone was too busy hiding to realize they were being sought after.
• Headline: Recent Religious Books. Impact: The publication of recent religious books gave rise to a new era of spiritual self-help, leading to an increase in memes about enlightenment and the inevitable rise of influencers claiming to have found 'the secret' to happiness. Fact: Religious texts have been interpreted in more ways than the number of selfies you’ve taken to find the perfect angle. Spoiler: no angle is perfect.