APRIL 18, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Utility Response Deadline Set. Impact: This deadline led to the creation of an ultra-secret society of utility executives who meet under the light of a full moon to discuss ways to avoid answering tough questions. Rumor has it they developed a secret language that sounds suspiciously like 'I don't know.'. Fact: The SEC’s deadlines are so strict, they make a cat waiting for its owner to return home look like it’s on vacation..
• Headline: Britain Conceals Air Depots in 1940. Impact: In an unexpected turn of events, the British air depots became the world's first 'stealth' facilities, inspiring a new trend in hiding things, like your bad decisions and your ex's number.. Fact: Hiding things has long been a British tradition—just ask any tea drinker about their biscuit stash..
• Headline: FPC Completes Associated Gas Inquiry Case. Impact: This inquiry triggered an underground movement among gas companies to form a 'Gaslight Society' where they could share tips on how to avoid scrutiny while pretending to be environmentally friendly.. Fact: The F.P.C. is known for its riveting hearings—perfect for anyone who finds watching paint dry just too exciting..
• Headline: Heads Elmira Student Group. Impact: The student group’s election inadvertently inspired a wave of future politicians who thought, 'If they can do it, so can I!' This led to an increase in politicians who are actually just former student council presidents.. Fact: Elmira's student elections are so competitive that even the school mascot has a campaign team..
• Headline: OTHER UTILITY EARNINGS. Impact: The mention of utility earnings caused a ripple effect where every utility company started holding secret earnings parties, complete with piñatas stuffed with cash, leading to wild rumors of a 'Utility Rich List.'. Fact: Utility earnings are like my diet plans—never quite what they’re cracked up to be..
• Headline: 2,500 TO HONOR FARLEY; Lehman and Wagner to Attend Dinner Here Tonight. Impact: The dinner became a legendary event, resulting in a secret recipe for the world's most mediocre meatloaf that Farley served, which somehow ended up winning a culinary award decades later.. Fact: Honoring someone with a dinner is a classic move—it's like saying, 'I appreciate you, now let’s eat until we forget about our problems.'.
• Headline: CHILDREN'S CENTER GAINS; Will Be Beneficiary of 'Bring a Bundle Tea' Held Tomorrow. Impact: This tea fundraiser led to a nationwide trend of 'bring your own bundle' events, eventually resulting in an entire generation of kids who only know how to socialize over baked goods.. Fact: Tea parties are the adult version of a playdate but with more awkward small talk and fewer juice boxes..
• Headline: SILICOSIS PAY RISE SIGNED BY LEHMAN; Measure Raises Benefits to $5,000 and Provides for Year's Hospitalization RETIREMENT BILL A LAW It Permits City Workers to Increase Pension Payments and Quit Jobs Earlier. Impact: The signing of this bill set off a chain reaction where retirees began organizing flash mobs to celebrate their newfound freedom, leading to the first senior citizen rave in history.. Fact: Silicosis benefits are a serious matter; no one expects to retire just to become a professional cougher..
• Headline: PUTS REVIEW LIMIT IN AGENCY MEASURE; House Adopts an Amendment to Restrict Court Appeals on Existing Regulations ONE CHANGE IS REJECTED Action by a State Is Barred --Final Debate and Vote on Bill Is Expected Today. Impact: This amendment caused a massive increase in the number of people taking up knitting as a hobby to cope with their frustration over the lack of court appeals—leading to the first-ever knitting competition in Congress.. Fact: Limiting court appeals is like putting a lid on a soda bottle—eventually, it’s going to explode..