APRIL 4, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hy F. Hunt's Clock Adventure. Impact: Hy F. Hunt's extravagant clock purchase sparked a nationwide obsession with timekeeping, resulting in an entire generation that never learned how to be late. The butterfly effect? A world where no one ever arrives on time for anything.. Fact: Hunt's clock was so fancy that it later inspired a famous time travel-themed sitcom—'Hitching Time'—which only aired in parallel dimensions..
• Headline: Cross-Country Hitchhike Marathon Adventure. Impact: The hitchhike marathon idea spread like wildfire, leading to an annual event where students accidentally discovered the best roadside diners, thus single-handedly reviving the American diner culture. All thanks to a 2,000-mile trek!. Fact: The first hitchhike marathon ended with a dozen students and one very confused hitchhiker who thought he was in a reality show..
• Headline: $2,000,000 IN JOBS IN CITY'S SCHOOLS DROPPED IN BUDGET; $100,000 in Administrative Posts Involved in Slash Ordered by Mayor LESSER RANKS ALSO CUT 30 Supervisory Offices Are Eliminated at a Yearly Saving of $150,000. Impact: The $2 million job cuts in schools unleashed a wave of substitute teachers who all thought they could be the next big TikTok stars. This led to an influx of dance challenges in classrooms instead of education.. Fact: One substitute even tried to teach math through interpretive dance. The students were confused but entertained, which is basically the same thing, right?.
• Headline: MAYOR TRIMS OWN BUDGET; Reduces Outlay for His Office Expenses by $10,800. Impact: The mayor trimming his own budget inspired a movement where politicians started taking ‘pay cuts’—but only in the form of not ordering extra lattes at meetings. This led to a caffeine crisis in political debates.. Fact: If only the mayor had cut down on the actual political nonsense instead of just coffee expenses, we might have seen actual progress!.
• Headline: Gets $1,000 U. of P. Fellowship. Impact: Receiving a fellowship at the University of Pennsylvania led to a chain of events where the architecture program became so prestigious, it inadvertently caused a housing crisis as every student wanted to build their dream home.. Fact: Rumor has it, one architecture student designed a house that was entirely made of pizza boxes. It was both a work of art and a delicious disaster..
• Headline: GOERING PREDICTS 'BLOW IN THE WEST'; 'Blitzkrieg' Similar to That in Poland Intimated--Neutrals Warned to Stay Aloof. Impact: Goering's ominous predictions about a blitzkrieg inspired a secret society of neutrals who became expert dodgeball players, training to 'stay aloof' while avoiding metaphorical missiles.. Fact: The only thing more dangerous than a blitzkrieg? A dodgeball match with a bunch of neutrals who refuse to take sides; they play to win, but only for pizza parties..
• Headline: 5-Day Laundry Week Ends Saturday Pick-Ups. Impact: The end of the 5-day laundry week led to a revolution in personal hygiene habits, resulting in the greatest sock rebellion in history, where socks banded together to demand more washing opportunities.. Fact: Laundry day became a national holiday in some regions, celebrated with sock puppets and public washing displays of the most colorful attire..
• Headline: Zeidler Sang for His Votes in Milwaukee; Civic Work Activity Helped Him Beat Hoan. Impact: Civic work helping Zeidler win was the first time the phrase 'vote for me, I promise to help the community' was used. This eventually spiraled into a political trend where candidates had to bake cookies for every vote.. Fact: Zeidler's campaign cookies were so good they inspired a new political platform: 'Baked Goods for Votes.' Who needs policies when you have pastries?.
• Headline: CARS KILLERS USED ARE FOUND JUNKED; Oscar the Poet Sends Police to Yard Where They Uncover Parts of 30 'Hot' Autos HIS BAIL SET AT $50,000 But He Is Jailed for His Safety --Maione Offers to 'Sing,' but O'Dwyer Won't Listen. Impact: The discovery of junked cars linked to killers led to a boom in the automotive recycling industry, resulting in an influx of hipster mechanics who turned junk into art. Who knew death could be so... creative?. Fact: Oscar the Poet was later inspired to write a haiku about junked cars, which became a bestseller in the underground poetry scene. Yes, that's a real thing..