MARCH 29, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kentucky Supports Roosevelt's Third Term. Impact: If Kentucky had not favored Roosevelt for a third term, we might have had a completely different flavor of New Deal. Picture a world where the 'New Deal' was just a mediocre 'Deal' instead. Or worse, a 'Used Deal' with questionable warranty.. Fact: Did you know that the idea of a third presidential term was so controversial that it made people wonder if the presidency was just a really long game of musical chairs?.
• Headline: Clothing Union Supports Laborite Candidates. Impact: Had the Clothing Union not urged resistance against the Reds, we might have seen a world where everyone wore nothing but striped overalls and berets, singing revolutionary songs while knitting. Fashion is powerful, folks.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Reds' was a term that terrified more people than a surprise pop quiz in history class. They clearly didn’t realize that the real threat was bad fashion choices..
• Headline: Critical Wounding of Peacemaker. Impact: The wounding of a peacemaker could have ignited a series of events leading to the invention of the 'Peacekeeper 3000'—a robot designed to hug it out instead of fight.. Fact: Did you know that peacemaking is a lot like herding cats? You can try, but good luck with that!.
• Headline: BROKER SUES J.C. CUPPIA; W.J. Plate Seeks $101,647 in Alleged Breach of Contract. Impact: The lawsuit against J.C. Cuppia for breach of contract likely led to a whole new genre of legal dramas where brokers are the heroes and contracts are the villains. Cue dramatic music.. Fact: Did you know that suing someone is like trying to solve a Rubik's cube? It can be confusing, frustrating, and leave you feeling like throwing it all out the window..
• Headline: PLANS CITY-OWNED UTILITY; Spartanburg, S.C., May Buy System From Duke Power. Impact: If Spartanburg had gone through with buying the utility from Duke Power, we might have seen a shift in power dynamics that led to widespread municipal karaoke nights. Because who doesn’t want to pay for their electricity while belting out 'I Will Survive'?. Fact: Did you know that municipal utilities often operate better than private ones? It's like comparing a well-cooked meal to fast food—one is nourishing; the other just makes you feel greasy..
• Headline: WIDENED PENSIONS URGED BY M'NUTT; Security Administrator Alters Prepared Speech After Protests by Experts HE CALLS REPORT 'GOSSIP' Leader Here, However, Says Canceled Address Was 'Political Bombshell'. Impact: McNutt altering his speech after protests could have led to a chain reaction of politicians being more responsive, resulting in an alternate reality where politicians actually listen to the people. Now that’s a plot twist.. Fact: Did you know that calling a report 'gossip' is basically the political equivalent of saying 'I can't hear you, I'm listening to my own voice'?.
• Headline: MAYOR BEGS STATE TO YIELD $5,000,000; Budget Virtually Finished and Awaiting Albany Action on Revenues, He Says RENEWS CIGARETTE PLEA If City Can Get 1c a Pack the Problem Will Be Met for 1940, He Asserts. Impact: LaGuardia's plea to yield $5 million might have spiraled into a world where cities were funded with crowdsourced bake sales. Because nothing says 'serious government' like cookies and cupcakes.. Fact: Fun fact: If cities could get money for every 'like' on social media, we’d all be living in palatial estates by now. #CivicPride!.
• Headline: PICKET FAILS IN MOVE TO SUBPOENA MAYOR; New Threat Against French Consulate Heard at Trial. Impact: Failing to subpoena the mayor could have opened up a whole new career path for mayors in acting—think 'Mayor: The Movie.' You know, where they play themselves but with more drama and less paperwork.. Fact: Did you know that trying to subpoena a mayor is a lot like trying to catch a greased pig? Slippery and often leads to disgruntled farmhands..
• Headline: DEWEY DENOUNCES 'CRIME OF THE WPA'; Chicago Speech Charges New Deal Exploits the Helpless to Retain Its Power QUOTES FROM 'THE RECORD' Lists 'Abuses' State by State --Big Crowd, in Carnival Mood, Cheers Attack. Impact: Dewey's denunciation of the WPA could have sparked a political movement where people started writing angry letters to Santa about government programs instead of just naughty children.. Fact: Did you know that in the political world, calling something an 'abuse' is just code for 'I disagree with you, but I can't think of a better argument'?.
• Headline: BANKING PROFITS IN COSTER RISE SEEN; $12,000,000 Expansion in Two Years Revealed by Broker. Impact: The rise in banking profits might have led to the creation of 'Banking Olympics,' where banks compete for the gold in profit margins, complete with synchronized spreadsheets.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of finance, the only thing that rises faster than profits is the blood pressure of the average person trying to understand it?.