MARCH 24, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: City College Tech Open House 1940. Impact: This open house somehow led to a series of engineering breakthroughs, including the invention of the self-replicating toaster, which ultimately resulted in a war between toast enthusiasts and bagel lovers in the 2040s. Fact: Did you know that open houses are just like real houses, except no one actually wants to buy anything?.
• Headline: Modess Factory Opens in Milltown. Impact: The opening of this plant kickstarted a global revolution in feminine hygiene products, leading to the first-ever global 'Period Awareness Day' in 2031, where people wore red clothing to 'celebrate' the miracle of menstruation. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more absorbent than those products was the amount of money they made!.
• Headline: NOTES OF THE CAMERA WORLD; Two Photo Exhibitions. Impact: These exhibitions inspired a whole generation of photographers, leading to an influx of blurry selfies and faux artsy Instagram feeds that plague us to this day. Fact: Did you know that photography was invented to capture moments? Now, we just use it to capture food and our pets looking mildly uncomfortable.
• Headline: FHA HEAD PREDICTS BIG BUILDING YEAR; M'Donald Cites Rising Demand for Insured Loans During Present Month MARCH SETS NEW RECORDS Construction Was Started in One Week on 2,910 More Small Dwellings. Impact: The building boom led to a housing crisis in the 2020s where homes became so affordable that they were used as the currency of choice, leading to the 'Great Mortgage Wars' of 2025. Fact: Did you know that if you stack all those small dwellings on top of each other, you could create a tower that would have a stunning view of... more small dwellings?.
• Headline: Samuel D. Levy Honored at 80. Impact: His honor inspired a movement for elder appreciation that ironically led to younger generations becoming too obsessed with nostalgia, resulting in countless 'throwback Thursdays' that haunt our social media feeds. Fact: Did you know that 80 is the new 40? Or at least that's what Samuel D. Levy told himself to feel better about aging.
• Headline: 6,300 APPLY FOR C.M.T.C.; Enrollment in This Area Nears Goal--Deadline April 1. Impact: This surge in applications inadvertently caused a shortage of pens and paper in the region, leading to the invention of the first digital note-taking app—thank you, future tech!. Fact: Did you know that applying for something often requires more paperwork than actually getting the job? Welcome to bureaucracy!.
• Headline: Alaskan Using Sled Will Count Eskimos. Impact: The counting of Eskimos led to a significant misunderstanding of population statistics, resulting in the introduction of the phrase 'no one is left behind' into international census protocols. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more slippery than a sled on ice is the interpretation of demographic data?.
• Headline: WARNS ON BIG LOSSES IN APPAREL EXODUS; Dubow Says Move by Industry Would Hurt Many Interests. Impact: This warning somehow preceded a fashion revolution where people decided that comfort was more important than style, leading to the infamous 'sweatpants era' of the 2020s. Fact: Did you know that fashion is just a cycle of bad ideas? Next up: Crocs as formal wear!.
• Headline: ROME, TENSE, LOOKS FOR A BALKAN COUP AFTER PARIS SHIFT; Germany Held Ready to Act, Assuming French Weakness as in Past Crises BLOW AT YUGOSLAVIA SEEN Hungary Is Anxious Over Role --Her Premier's Talk With Mussolini Is Delayed. Impact: The tension in Rome set off a chain reaction of alliances and betrayals that would eventually lead to World War II, proving that sometimes, even the smallest diplomatic hiccup can lead to global chaos. Fact: Did you know that history is just a long string of people misunderstanding each other? And yet, here we are, still trying!.