MARCH 23, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ouster Hearing for Dr. T. J. Wagner. Impact: If Dr. T. J. Wagner had been ousted quietly, perhaps he'd have invented a new form of educational technology that replaces textbooks with holograms. Unfortunately, the drama led to the rise of standardized testing instead. Thanks a lot, Graves!. Fact: Did you know that educational ouster charges have a way of making school board meetings more thrilling than your average soap opera? Grab the popcorn!.
• Headline: British Submarine Sinks German Freighter. Impact: This submarine incident set off a chain reaction of naval warfare strategies, leading to the development of underwater karaoke battles. Just kidding—thankfully, it was just more war.. Fact: Did you know that sinking ships was once considered a legitimate method of resolving trade disputes? Nowadays, it's mostly limited to the high seas and video games..
• Headline: POPE PIUS ATTENDS GOOD FRIDAY OFFICE; Saddest of All Holy Week Days Marked in Sistine Chapel. Impact: Pope Pius attending Good Friday might have inspired a new trend in religious tourism, where people flock to Rome just to catch a glimpse of the Sistine Chapel and pretend to understand the significance of it all.. Fact: Did you know that the Sistine Chapel was originally designed as a papal residence? Talk about making the afterlife a little more comfortable!.
• Headline: 26 CHOSEN AT VASSAR TO CARRY DAISY CHAIN; Sophomores Are Named to Take Part in Exercises. Impact: The selection of 26 students for the daisy chain may have inadvertently sparked a nationwide chain of floral-themed ceremonies, resulting in allergic reactions and a massive increase in tissue sales.. Fact: Did you know that the daisy chain is not just a cute decoration? It's also a test of friendship and patience—kind of like group projects in school!.
• Headline: Asks $10,000,000 Indian Relief. Impact: The push for $10 million in Indian relief might have set off a long-lasting debate about government allocations, leading to the creation of the 'Bureaucratic Tug-of-War Championship'—who would be the most adept at dragging their feet?. Fact: Did you know that for every dollar allocated in relief, there are approximately 10 forms to fill out? It’s like a bureaucratic scavenger hunt!.
• Headline: DATA ON VALUATIONS OF REALTY DISPUTED; Tax Board Head Takes Issue With Trade Exodus Appeal. Impact: The tax dispute over realty valuations may have inspired an entirely new profession: the Taxation Whisperer, helping people understand why their taxes seem to be higher than their self-esteem.. Fact: Did you know that arguing about taxes has been a beloved pastime for centuries? It’s like a family reunion, but with more shouting and fewer potato salads..
• Headline: Wesleyan Picks Co-Captains. Impact: The selection of co-captains at Wesleyan may have led to the eventual rise of college sports rivalries, resulting in more energy drinks consumed than any reasonable human should ever ingest.. Fact: Did you know that co-captains are just like regular captains, but they have to share the glory? It’s like being the top student in group projects—no one really wins!.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES; One Man's Coming of Age. Impact: The publication of 'One Man's Coming of Age' could have inspired countless others to pen their own coming-of-age stories, leading to a literary explosion where every teenager churns out a memoir about their awkward phases.. Fact: Did you know that coming-of-age stories often feature the same three plot points: awkward crushes, bad hair decisions, and existential dread? Welcome to adolescence!.