MARCH 21, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: C.I.O. Chief Released in Canada. Impact: By freeing the C.I.O. Chief, Canada inadvertently sparked a revolution in labor rights that would lead to the invention of the coffee break. Workers everywhere rejoiced, and caffeine consumption skyrocketed, leading to a global shortage of coffee beans by 2025.. Fact: C.I.O. stands for 'Congress of Industrial Organizations,' which sounds impressive until you realize it was basically a union for unions, like a union that couldn't decide which sandwich shop to eat at..
• Headline: Closure of U.S. Consulate in Warsaw. Impact: The closure of the U.S. Consulate in Warsaw due to Nazi orders initiated a chain of events that led to the 'Overly Cautious Diplomats' movement, which ultimately resulted in diplomats worldwide developing a severe aversion to any form of travel.. Fact: The denial of mass executions by the Nazis is the classic case of 'if we deny it hard enough, maybe it won’t be true.' Spoiler: it didn't work..
• Headline: Chevrolet Sales Increased. Impact: The increase in Chevrolet sales marked the beginning of the automotive obsession, which eventually led to the invention of the drive-thru, allowing people to consume fast food without ever leaving their cars. Progress, right?. Fact: Chevrolet was initially just a fancy way of saying 'let’s make cars that are too big to park in the city.'.
• Headline: Named by Lord & Taylor As Operating Manager. Impact: M. Rivard's appointment as operating manager led to a corporate revolution where meetings became longer than the actual work, giving birth to the phrase 'let's circle back on that.'. Fact: Being named an operating manager sounds prestigious until you realize you’re just the adult in charge of making sure the coffee machine is always full..
• Headline: Lists Process Tax Objections. Impact: The list of process tax objections ignited a firestorm of paperwork that would lead to the eventual creation of the world's most boring board game: 'Taxation: The Game of Endless Forms.'. Fact: Filing tax objections is like a game of hide and seek, except you'll never find what you're looking for and the only prize is stress..
• Headline: ELECTED BY OLD GUARD. Impact: The election by the Old Guard instigated a series of 'Old Guard' themed parties, where attendees pretended to be ancient dignitaries while discussing the merits of powdered wigs.. Fact: Being part of the Old Guard sounds cool until you realize it just means you’re stuck in the past, reminiscing about the 'good old days' of sitting around in uncomfortable chairs..