MARCH 15, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Amherst Head Defends Outside Activities. Impact: Dr. Warne's defense led to a resurgence of outdoor activities on campus, eventually inspiring a nationwide movement to combine education with extreme sports. By the 21st century, students were earning degrees in extreme ping-pong and competitive nap-taking.. Fact: Did you know that 'outside activities' used to mean more than just scrolling through your phone? Imagine the horror!.
• Headline: California Democrats Unite for Third Term. Impact: The Democrats’ California Accord set the stage for an endless cycle of political gridlock, leading to the birth of the 'Let’s Just Agree to Disagree' party, which has been wildly successful in avoiding actual governance.. Fact: Fun fact: Political negotiations have all the excitement of watching paint dry, but with more shouting!.
• Headline: Army of 100,000 Exiles on March As Sad Finns Leave Ceded Areas; Uprooted Families Plod to New Borders-- Nation Tackles Task of Resettling 460,000 Left Without Homes 100,000 FINNS MOVE FROM CEDED AREAS One-eighth of Nation Shifted Sectionalism Is Removed War's Havoc Found Huge Homeless May Reach 1,000,000 Russians Leaving North. Impact: The mass movement of Finns reshaped the cultural landscape, leading to the establishment of Finnish communities worldwide. Their persistent sauna culture and love for heavy metal music have since infiltrated global entertainment.. Fact: This tragic displacement was one of the first instances where a nation realized that relocating an entire population isn’t as easy as moving houseplants..
• Headline: Personnel. Impact: The vague personnel announcement kicked off a chain reaction of confusion and speculation, leading to the rise of 'office gossip' as a legitimate form of workplace communication, resulting in HR departments being rebranded as 'Rumor Control Units'.. Fact: Spoiler alert: 'Personnel changes' often means someone got promoted for being really good at playing solitaire..
• Headline: CUBAN PARTY PLANS SLATE; Leaders of Menocal Group Vote to Name Candidates in May. Impact: The Cuban Party's attempts to organize led to years of political jockeying, ensuring that every election season would be filled with drama rivaling a soap opera, complete with plot twists and unexpected character exits.. Fact: Fun fact: Political slates are like pizza toppings. Everyone has a different favorite, and there’s always someone upset about the pineapple..
• Headline: Art Brevities. Impact: The WPA Art Project murals became the backdrop for the modern-day hipster movement, where coffee shops now feature murals by artists who are somehow always 'emerging' but never quite arrive.. Fact: Did you know that 'art brevities' is code for 'we ran out of space, but we still want to sound cultured'?.
• Headline: 2 FIGHT IN PLANE, ONE DIES IN CRASH; PLANE THAT CRASHED AFTER PILOT-PASSENGER FIGHT. Impact: This tragic event prompted stricter regulations on in-flight behavior, leading to the invention of the 'no fighting' safety video. It also inspired a series of dramatic films that glorified air rage in a completely inappropriate manner.. Fact: It turns out that fighting at 30,000 feet doesn't just ruin your vacation—it can also ruin your life!.
• Headline: JACKSON ORDERS NEW FBI INQUIRY; Attorney General Names Aide to Make a Full Report on Detroit's Spanish War Case ACTS ON MORRIS REQUEST Any 'Excessive Zeal' Should Be Detected, He Says--Broader Investigation Is Seen. Impact: The FBI inquiry opened a Pandora's box of investigations that have since led to countless conspiracy theories, including one that suggests all secret agents are just really bad at keeping secrets.. Fact: Fun fact: When the FBI gets involved, you know things have escalated from 'oops' to 'uh-oh' real quick..