MARCH 12, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Benefit Concert for Scholarship Fund. Impact: Thanks to Mrs. Roosevelt's involvement, the world of musical arts saw a sudden uptick in patronage, leading to an explosion of overly dramatic operas in the 21st century where every plot twist is accompanied by a dramatic aria. Apparently, people love to sob over poorly sung ballads. Fact: Did you know Mrs. Roosevelt once held a concert in the White House where she tried to sing? Let’s just say the ‘benefit’ was more for the audience’s ears than her career.
• Headline: Westchester Seeks Toll Assistance from Moses. Impact: This meeting sparked a legendary feud between motorists and toll collectors, leading to the invention of the 'toll booth dance' that became a viral sensation in the 1980s. Yes, nothing says freedom like a cha-cha at the pay station. Fact: Did you know that the first toll booth was made of wooden planks and a grumpy old man? Now, at least they have a booth and a grumpy old machine.
• Headline: Breakthrough in Surgical Shock Treatment. Impact: The success of this treatment led to the widespread belief that all medical breakthroughs require a team of four physicians and a dramatic backstory, causing future doctors to form overly elaborate teams for the simplest of procedures. Because why not complicate the healing process?. Fact: Did you know that the adrenal cortex hormone was once thought to be a secret potion for immortality? Spoiler alert: it’s not.
• Headline: OTHER CORPORATE REPORTS. Impact: This headline triggered a series of corporate memos that eventually led to the world's largest paper trail, culminating in a new academic field: 'Corporate Memo Studies.'. Fact: Did you know that corporate reports are like a good horror movie? You think you can handle it, but you end up regretting it halfway through.
• Headline: To Be Sentenced March 20. Impact: The postponement of this sentencing led to a series of legal loopholes that inspired a new genre of courtroom dramas, where the judge is always on vacation and the defendant’s lawyer is a cat named Mr. Whiskers. Fact: Did you know that in some states, you can postpone your sentencing indefinitely? Just ask the guy who’s been using that tactic since 1991!.
• Headline: BIG CROWD VISITS THE FLOWER SHOW; So Many in Line That Opening Hour Is Advanced Slightly at Request of Police 2,000,000 BLOOMS ON VIEW Mossy Woodlands, Waterfalls and Formal Gardens Make a Springtime Scene. Impact: The flower show led to a nationwide obsession with floral selfies, contributing to a rise in social media influencers who specialize in posing with tulips. And yes, they still can’t tell a daisy from a dandelion. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'stop and smell the roses' was originally used to encourage people to get off their phones? It's now just a suggestion for Instagram captions.
• Headline: DIVIDENDS ANNOUNCED. Impact: The announcement of dividends triggered a wave of investment advice columns that eventually led to more people trusting their finances to a parrot named Captain Cash. Spoiler: the parrot has a gambling problem. Fact: Did you know that dividends are actually a fancy way of saying, 'Congratulations! You’re still poor, but here’s a little something to make you feel better!'.
• Headline: How the Senate Voted On Hatch Bill Shelving. Impact: The vote on the Hatch Bill sparked a nationwide trend for ‘shelving’ unnecessary legislation, inspiring citizens to start ‘shelving’ their responsibilities as well. Monday is now known as ‘National Shelf It Day’ in some regions. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more exciting than a Senate vote is watching paint dry? At least the paint has a chance of changing color!.
• Headline: Bill for Jersey Racing Commission Adopted; New York Mutuels Measure Agreed On; JERSEY RACING BILL ADOPTED BY SENATE. Impact: This bill’s passage set off a frenzy of horse betting that eventually led to the invention of the sport of ‘extreme horse racing,’ where jockeys ride in inflatable costumes. It’s just as ridiculous as it sounds. Fact: Did you know that horse racing was once the most popular way to determine who had the better horse? Now we just argue about it on the internet.
• Headline: 'Merit Tax' for Job Insurance Is Opposed by State Council; Advisory Body Reveals 5-3-1 Division on Issue in Report to Governor--Employer Members Offer New Formula to Cut Levy. Impact: The opposition to the merit tax led to a nationwide debate over tax fairness that ultimately resulted in the creation of the ‘Taxation Dance-Off,’ where politicians must dance to prove their point. Spoiler: no one wins. Fact: Did you know that tax debates are like family dinners? Everyone has an opinion, but nobody really knows what they're talking about!.