MARCH 7, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pryor's Resignation from Republican National Committee. Impact: If Pryor had actually quit, it might have sent shockwaves through the GOP, causing a butterfly effect that led to an alternate timeline where they replaced him with a cat meme as their official mascot.. Fact: Did you know that political parties often replace their leaders with inanimate objects when they can't find someone qualified? Just kidding... sort of..
• Headline: Clearing of Wire Tapping Charges. Impact: The exoneration of LaBorde and Almeyda sparked a nationwide movement for transparency in surveillance, leading to the invention of the 'privacy blanket'—a very cozy, albeit ineffective, solution.. Fact: Wiretapping: because sometimes you just can't trust a good old-fashioned face-to-face conversation..
• Headline: House Votes on Labor Act Changes. Impact: This intense politicking likely set off a chain reaction that would eventually lead to the invention of political spin, which is essentially just social media for people who don't want to look up facts.. Fact: House votes are like a family dinner—everyone pretends to listen, but most are secretly plotting to get the last piece of pie..
• Headline: CRIME NEWS BAN IS LIFTED; Court in Ohio Grants Access to Police Records by Reporters. Impact: With access to records granted, reporters became the original 'true crime' podcasters, leading to an explosion of amateur sleuths and an endless stream of questionable Netflix documentaries.. Fact: Ohio courts: proving that the only thing more open than a crime record is a can of worms..
• Headline: FAILS TO NAME 4 IN THEFT; Justice Froessel Testifies on Robbery of Office in 1936. Impact: The confusion surrounding this case led to an increased demand for clearer witness statements, eventually resulting in the modern courtroom drama trope of 'the dramatic reveal'—thanks, Froessel!. Fact: Sometimes, justice is just as confused as you are. Welcome to the courtroom!.
• Headline: SANITATION FUND LOSES KAHN ESTATE; City Department's Vacation Area at Huntington, L.I., Given Up After Parley. Impact: The loss of the Kahn estate triggered a city-wide panic over sanitation funds, causing a bizarre trend of city officials taking vacations in their own basements instead.. Fact: When it comes to vacation spots, nothing says 'luxury' like a city-sanctioned dumpster. Bon voyage!.
• Headline: MAYOR INSPECTS AUTOS; Display of Old and New Prelude to Dealers' Open House Week. Impact: The mayor's inspection inadvertently led to a rivalry between old and new car enthusiasts, eventually resulting in the annual 'Car Wars'—where the only casualties are friendships.. Fact: Inspecting cars: the official sport of mayors everywhere, right after 'press conference dodging'..
• Headline: LAWES TO GIVE TALK IN SALVATION DRIVE; Warden Will Address Report Luncheon in Jubilee Campaign. Impact: Lawes' involvement in the Salvation Drive helped to raise awareness of prison reform, leading to a future where prisoners could earn degrees in 'How to Play the System 101'.. Fact: Salvation drives: because sometimes, even wardens need a little redemption..