MARCH 2, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Spitale Appeals Theft Conviction. Impact: Spitale's appeal sets off a chain of events leading countless future convicts to believe that if they just whine enough, they might actually get a second chance at stealing candy from the corner store.. Fact: Did you know that appealing a conviction is basically like asking your parents to reconsider that punishment they gave you for sneaking out? Spoiler: it rarely works..
• Headline: Byrd's Antarctic Peninsula Discovery. Impact: Byrd’s discovery of the peninsula leads to a mysterious surge in penguin tourism decades later, culminating in the establishment of 'Penguin Palooza', where tourists can dress like penguins and waddle around.. Fact: Funny enough, Antarctica is the only continent without a native population. So, when Byrd found this peninsula, he was essentially the first and only hipster to discover a 'hidden gem' that nobody wanted..
• Headline: Pickets Arrested at Vanderbilt Cafeteria. Impact: The picketing incident leads to a long-standing tradition of restaurant protests, inspiring future generations to protest for everything from vegan options to gluten-free bread—because we all know that bread is the real villain.. Fact: When you think about it, picketing is basically a way of saying, 'I disagree with you, but instead of discussing it like adults, I’m going to stand outside and wave a sign.'.
• Headline: Daughter Scouts Third Term. Impact: The continuous reign of Roosevelt sees a snowball effect where every daughter in politics thereafter believes they can just keep getting elected as if they were in a never-ending high school class president campaign.. Fact: Roosevelt's daughter was like the original 'Girl Boss'—only instead of starting a side hustle, she was busy influencing national policies while wearing a cute dress..
• Headline: Vatican Post Goes to Jew As Italy's Ban Is Imposed. Impact: This bold appointment sends shockwaves through history, reminding us that even during the darkest times, a little light can shine through—like a lone candle in a sea of darkness, sparking conversations and subtle rebellions.. Fact: The appointment was like the Vatican's version of saying, 'We see your ban and raise you a commitment to diversity!'.
• Headline: Barnard Freshmen Dance. Impact: The Barnard Freshmen Dance becomes the birthplace of awkward first encounters, influencing generations of students to think that poorly executed dance moves will somehow land them their future spouses.. Fact: Barnard's dances are famous for being the only events where you can simultaneously feel like a social butterfly and a wallflower—if that’s even possible..
• Headline: CONCERN SPURNS BID FOR SOVIET CONTRACT; Mt. Vernon Firm Fears Workers Would Revolt at Job. Impact: This decision sends ripples through the business world, creating a ripple effect where companies across the globe start fearing that their workers might actually want to be happy at work. The horror!. Fact: Because nothing says 'trust your workforce' quite like refusing a lucrative contract out of fear that your employees might revolt—what a confidence booster!.
• Headline: YALE FRESHMEN DANCE; They Are Hosts to Nearly 400 Young Women at Promenade. Impact: The Yale Freshmen Dance initiates a long-standing tradition of awkwardly mingling while pretending to know how to dance, which remains a rite of passage for every Ivy League student ever.. Fact: Yale's freshmen dance is basically a fancy way of saying, 'We’re rich, we party, and we still can't figure out how to talk to girls.'.
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES; A New Novel by Conrad Richter. Impact: Richter's novel leads to an unforeseen literary movement, where every aspiring writer feels the need to pen their own version of a 'great American novel', resulting in more mediocre books than there are trees in the forest.. Fact: Conrad Richter’s books are like the kale of literature—some people rave about them, while others just pretend to enjoy them to seem cultured..