FEBRUARY 1, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: New York Income Tax Form Controversy. Impact: If people had just embraced the idea of psychic tax forms back then, we could have avoided decades of awkward conversations about finances and the IRS. Imagine a world where taxes were filled out by crystal ball instead of numbers!. Fact: Did you know that asking about past returns is basically a polite way of saying, 'We know you probably cheated, but let’s be friends'?.
• Headline: Byrd's Bear Escapes Ice Threat. Impact: Had the Bear been trapped, it might have led to an epic rescue mission involving a band of unprepared sailors and a motivational speech by a cat. Instead, we got another day in the history books without a talking animal saga.. Fact: Fun fact: The Bear was not actually a bear, but rather a vessel. I guess they couldn't find a bear that could sail..
• Headline: Navy Yard Housing Project Approved. Impact: The decision to reclaim 39 slum acres could have set off a nationwide trend of urban renewal, but instead led to the rise of overpriced coffee shops where once stood homes. Who needs affordable housing when you can have artisanal lattes?. Fact: Did you know that 'slum' is just a fancy way of saying 'quaint neighborhood in need of a hipster revival'?.
• Headline: SAYS U.S. HAS JAPAN 'COLD'; Sir Victor Sassoon, Shanghai Banker, in America on Visit. Impact: Sir Victor’s comment sparked a wave of diplomatic awkwardness that had everyone in Washington Googling 'how to unfreeze a cold relationship' instead of just sending a fruit basket.. Fact: Did you know that the 'cold' in U.S.-Japan relations at the time was mostly due to a lack of shared Netflix accounts?.
• Headline: Admits Theft From Brokers. Impact: This theft admission led to a series of increasingly ridiculous heists in New York City, culminating in a 'Ocean's 11' scenario with pigeons. Because if you're going to steal, why not involve birds?. Fact: Pro tip: If you're going to commit theft, maybe don't admit it in the headlines. Just a thought!.
• Headline: DRAW RING TIGHTER; Capture of Pitkaeranta Is Said to Complete Ladoga Trap BLOWS IN NORTH PARRIED Frontier Attacks Thrown Back in Growing Battles With Fresh Soviet Troops. Impact: The successful capture of Pitkaeranta could have turned the tide of war, leading to Finland becoming a 'no-war zone' where soldiers exchanged cookies instead of bullets. Alas, history had other plans.. Fact: Fun fact: Pitkaeranta translates to 'Long Shore,' which is ironic because it was anything but relaxing for those involved!.
• Headline: LEGISLATURE SEEKS LABOR ACT CHANGE; Rewording of 1937 Preamble to Be Provided in Bill Which Will Go In Monday MUTUAL ANGLE STRESSED Partnership of Employer and Employes Is Indicated in Clause on Bargaining. Impact: This legislative change could have led to a utopian workplace where employers and employees sang 'Kumbaya' together, but instead resulted in endless debates about 'mutual angles' that no one understands.. Fact: Did you know that the 'angle' in 'mutual angle' is more about geometry than partnership? Because nothing says teamwork like math!.
• Headline: Named Marine Band Leader. Impact: By appointing a new Marine Band leader, the military inadvertently set the stage for the greatest musical revolution since the invention of the kazoo. Thank you, W.F. Santelmann, for your contribution to naval karaoke!. Fact: Did you know that the Marine Band is the oldest active-duty professional musical organization in the U.S.? Just imagine the marching band uniforms!.
• Headline: BRITAIN AT WAR. Impact: Britain's engagement in war could have led to a reality show called 'Keeping Up with the Blitz' but instead just resulted in a lot of serious historical events. So, no reality TV gold for us.. Fact: Did you know that during wartime, people often engaged in more drama than any soap opera? Who needs a screen when you have real-life conflict?.
• Headline: FILING OF INCOME TAX; Internal Revenue Bureau Outlines Data for Returns. Impact: This IRS outline could have made tax filing as easy as ordering a pizza, but instead, it led to generations of Americans cursing their calculators and questioning their life choices every April.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complex than the IRS tax code is trying to understand why we still haven't simplified it?.