JANUARY 31, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mayor Envisions a Bright Cultural Future. Impact: In a stunning twist of fate, the mayor's lofty vision sparks a global movement, leading to the establishment of the world's first 'Happy Town' where everyone is legally required to smile. Spoiler alert: It eventually becomes a dystopian nightmare.. Fact: Did you know that 'music and art' are often just fancy ways to distract the masses from politics? Who knew creativity could be a form of social control?.
• Headline: Roosevelt Acquires Patrick Henry Estate. Impact: Roosevelt's decision to accept the estate leads to the creation of a secret society of Patrick Henry enthusiasts who believe they are the rightful heirs to the American Revolution. They hold annual meetings, but mostly just end up arguing about tea.. Fact: You know, just because you sign a bill doesn't mean you're actually good at estate planning. Ask any millennial..
• Headline: Dominican Haven for Exiled Families Established. Impact: This contract inadvertently sets off a series of events that leads to the world's first reality TV show about exiles trying to survive on a tiny plot of land, titled 'Survivor: Exile Edition.' Believe it or not, it won an Emmy.. Fact: Trujillo's land contracts were so generous that many exiles later claimed they were just waiting for the Wi-Fi password..
• Headline: BROWDER COHORTS CAPTURE A 'DEBATE'; East Side Political Meeting Acclaims Red Candidate for Congress, First to Speak EDELSTEIN IS HECKLED Tammany Man Denounces Communists--Lefkowitz Also Is Heard. Impact: This political debate ends up being the catalyst for the invention of the heckler's veto, where every public speech must now include a mandatory heckling session. It makes for some very entertaining local council meetings.. Fact: In political circles, 'debate' is just a fancy word for 'let's see who can shout the loudest.'.
• Headline: THE AIR WAR SPREADS. Impact: The air war's expansion inadvertently inspires a new genre of music: 'Aerial Beats.' This genre, however, is only played during flight delays at airports, leading to an increase in passenger rage and the establishment of 'Rage Rooms.'. Fact: If only air wars were about musical talent instead of actual bombs, we might have had a Grammy-winning peace treaty..
• Headline: THE DAY IN WASHINGTON. Impact: The vague and confusing requests from Washington lead to the establishment of the Bureau of Ambiguity, where no one really knows what they’re doing but everyone pretends to be busy. It becomes a model for all future bureaucratic agencies.. Fact: In Washington, a 'request' is often just a polite way of saying 'I have no idea what's going on, but let’s pretend I do.'.
• Headline: CITY PENSION BILLS VOTED BY COUNCIL AFTER BITTER ROW; La Guardia Angrily Rejects as 'Asinine' Democrats' Plan to Earmark Funds CASHMORE LEADS ATTACK But He Helps Pass Measures, Disavowing Responsibility --School Inquiry Voted. Impact: The council's bitter row over pension bills leads to the first-ever 'Pension Wars,' where city officials compete in a televised reality show for the best pension plan. It was a disaster, but ratings soared!. Fact: La Guardia's definition of 'asinine' could easily be applied to 90% of political decisions made in any given year..
• Headline: Reorganised Postal Telegraph Formally Starts Its New Set-Up; Ownership of Land Line System Is Restored for Operation; Final Transfer of Assets Is Schedaled for Today. Impact: The reorganization of Postal Telegraph leads to the creation of a secret underground network of letter writers who communicate only through cryptic telegrams, inadvertently giving rise to the first internet memes.. Fact: Who knew that restoring the ownership of a land line system could result in more confusion than a group chat with a hundred people?.
• Headline: Red Caps to Sue for $790,000. Impact: The lawsuit by the Red Caps sparks a nationwide movement where unions begin suing everyone for everything, leading to an unintentional boom in the legal profession and a sharp decline in the number of train conductors.. Fact: The only thing more expensive than a train ticket? A legal consultation with a union lawyer..