JANUARY 23, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yonkers Workers Face 10% Pay Cuts. Impact: The budget cuts led to a mass exodus of city workers who were secretly harboring dreams of becoming professional jugglers and clowns. Hence, the circus industry in Yonkers boomed, leading to a bizarre annual festival that still draws in thousands every year!. Fact: Did you know that complaining about pay cuts is a patriotic duty? At least that's what every employee tells themselves..
• Headline: Mrs. Fabyan Files for Divorce. Impact: This divorce sparked a movement that led to the creation of a new tennis etiquette: 'No criticism of friends while on the court!' This made doubles matches much quieter, but also much more awkward.. Fact: Fun fact: The first recorded instance of a tennis racket being used as a weapon in a domestic dispute happened shortly after this divorce filing!.
• Headline: Senator Borah's State Funeral. Impact: Senator Borah's funeral became a political rallying point, inadvertently leading to the establishment of 'National Wear Black Day', where people would dress inappropriately somber outfits for no reason at all, just to feel connected.. Fact: Senator Borah was known as 'The Lion of Idaho.' Ironically, lions don’t attend funerals, but I guess that’s what makes politicians different!.
• Headline: FORD ADMONISHED, UPHELD BY NLRB; Company Is Ordered to Quit Interfering With Employes in Somerville, Mass. UNFAIR CHARGE CANCELED 'Discrimination' Is Declared Unfounded--Pamphlets Are Attacked in Decision. Impact: Ford's intervention order backfired spectacularly; soon after, employees began putting up pamphlets about a 'secret society' that had nothing to do with cars but everything to do with knitting. The automotive industry was never the same.. Fact: Did you know that 'NLRB' stands for 'Not Liking Rude Bosses'? Okay, it doesn’t, but it should!.
• Headline: SAMARKAND RELICS FOUND; Medieval Utensils Dug Up at Feudal Lords' Castles. Impact: The discovery of these relics led to a sudden resurgence in medieval culinary practices. This sparked a bizarre trend where everyone started making stew in their bathtubs, claiming it was for 'historical accuracy'.. Fact: Interestingly, the medieval period was the last time people thought eating with their hands was a good idea. Spoiler alert: it wasn't..
• Headline: AMEN KEY WITNESS MYSTERIOUSLY GONE; Accused Bookkeeper, Who Feared Harm, Vanishes Despite Police Guard. Impact: This disappearance sparked a national trend in 'witness protection yoga', where witnesses would take up yoga to relax while hiding out in their new identities as 'Sally from Idaho'.. Fact: Witness protection programs are the only place where 'finding yourself' can literally mean disappearing from reality!.
• Headline: WOMEN TO CELEBRATE CENTURY OF ADVANCE; Centennial Congress Nov. 25 to 27 Will Plot Future Course. Impact: This congress set off a chain reaction that led to the invention of 'Women's Day Off', where women everywhere took a day to do absolutely nothing, causing productivity levels to plummet globally. The world still hasn’t recovered!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more advanced than women's rights is the ability to multitask while discussing rights..
• Headline: GETS MILLIONTH PHONE; Chicago Puts Transparent Set in Science-Industry Museum. Impact: The installation of the millionth phone sparked a nationwide obsession with transparency, leading to the 'Transparent Everything' movement, where people demanded to see through their politicians and their toasters. Still waiting on that toaster transparency, by the way.. Fact: The millionth phone was so transparent that people could see their poor life choices reflected in it—talk about a wake-up call!.
• Headline: The Text of Governor Lehman's Message Submitting Budget to the Legislature; Restoration of Full Education Fund Explained by Executive. Impact: The budget message became a hit comedy show, leading to a new genre of stand-up where politicians just read out budget reports to roaring laughter. Who knew numbers could be so funny?. Fact: Budget proposals are like fine wine: they just get better with age, or so the politicians claim after they've had a few glasses!.