JANUARY 14, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring Primitive and Modern Diets. Impact: The debate over diets led to a worldwide obsession with superfoods. In the year 2045, a cult dedicated to eating only raw kale will emerge, causing a shortage that leads to the Great Kale Wars of 2047.. Fact: Did you know that our ancestors survived on a diet that didn’t include avocado toast? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Lawyer Charged in Witness Intimidation Case. Impact: This incident sparked a nationwide fear of ambulance-chasing lawyers, leading to the establishment of the 'No Lawyers Allowed' movement, which ironically caused lawyers to start chasing ambulances in protest.. Fact: Did you know that lawyers have been known to chase ambulances since the dawn of the automobile? Some say it’s in their DNA..
• Headline: Pastor Signed to Fight Burman in Detroit, Kearns and Dempsey Joining as Promoters; PASTOR IS SIGNED TO FIGHT BURMAN Designated as Survivors. Impact: The fight promoted by Kearns and Dempsey opened a floodgate for religious figures to enter the boxing ring, eventually leading to the holy smackdown of 2032 where a priest knocked out a rabbi.. Fact: If boxing had been a sport in biblical times, we might have had a heavyweight champion named Moses!.
• Headline: DIVINE MAY AVOID STAND; Possibility That He Will Testify Tomorrow Lessens. Impact: The uncertainty around Divine's testimony led to the rise of conspiracy theorists who speculated that he was actually a time traveler avoiding the courtroom to protect future secrets.. Fact: Isn't it ironic? If Divine had just testified, we could’ve avoided years of conspiracy theories about time travel!.
• Headline: Soviet Calls Up Two Classes. Impact: The call-up of two classes inadvertently sparked a rise in underground dance clubs, as soldiers sought to learn the latest moves before heading off to war.. Fact: Did you know that the Soviet Union had a secret dance-off competition? The prize? A lifetime supply of vodka!.
• Headline: M'NUTT GOING TO BOSTON; Plans Two Appearances There After Talk in New Haven. Impact: M'Nutt's journey to Boston inspired countless political figures to overuse the phrase 'going to Boston', leading to mass confusion about the actual location of the city.. Fact: In Boston, 'going to Boston' is code for 'I can't find my way out of this political mess.'.
• Headline: COLLECTORS CLUB ELECTS; President and Others Succeed Selves-- Ecuador Boosts Its Postal Rate. Impact: The increase in postal rates led to a bizarre still-life art movement where artists used stamps as their primary medium, resulting in a world where postage became the new currency of avant-garde.. Fact: Collectors Club: where people gather to discuss the thrilling world of stamps while the rest of the world wonders why..
• Headline: VIENNA AND PRAGUE SCOUTED BY BRITISH IN MASS AIR SURVEY; Greatest Flight of Its Kind in War So Far, Says London --Germans Deny Story REAL OFFENSIVE EXPECTED Both Sides Believed to Have Needed Data--Three Nazi Destroyers Attacked. Impact: The air survey initiated an obsession with aerial reconnaissance that eventually led to the invention of drone racing, which is now the most popular sport in the year 2050.. Fact: Did you know that aerial surveys were once considered high-tech spying? Now, they’re just a Saturday afternoon hobby for tech geeks..