JANUARY 13, 1940

Full News Archive

• Headline: Corporate Reporting in 1940. Impact: This event led to the creation of a secret society of accountants, who meet annually to complain about spreadsheets and celebrate the joys of depreciation schedules. In an alternate timeline, their rituals involve interpretive dance based on financial statements.. Fact: Did you know that most corporate reports are just a fancy way of saying, 'We made some money and we spent some money, but please don't ask for details'?.
• Headline: Remembering Frank A. Hagarty. Impact: Hagarty's legacy led to the establishment of a 'Most Multifaceted Career' award, which is now given to anyone who has ever held more than three jobs at once while simultaneously trying to remember where they parked their car.. Fact: It's rumored that Frank Hagarty could juggle all his jobs, but only if you counted reading the newspaper as a legitimate career..
• Headline: William M. Remington Passes Away. Impact: Remington's passing led to an unexpected surge in interest in early automobiles, inspiring a generation of car enthusiasts to resurrect the 'what if?' scenario of a world where horses never became obsolete.. Fact: William M. Remington was once asked if he could make a car that ran on hay. He said, 'Sure, but it might be a little bumpy.'.
• Headline: MAHOPAC CONQUERS BROOKLINE CURLERS; Two St. Andrew's Rinks Gain in Invitation Bonspiel. Impact: This curling victory prompted a wave of curling-themed restaurants to pop up across the nation, where patrons could enjoy 'iceberg lettuce' salads while watching intense curling matches—because nothing says excitement like sweeping ice.. Fact: In an alternate universe, curling is an Olympic sport where the competitors throw not only stones but also their dignity..
• Headline: MUSEUM INCREASES SPACE FOR VISITORS; Large Attendance at Picasso Exhibition Leads Modern Art to Rearrange First Floor NEW SHOW IS PLANNED Paintings of Italian Masters to Go on View on Jan. 26-- Enters Donates Etchings. Impact: This expansion led to the phenomenon of art galleries becoming the new social media, where visitors now post more pictures of themselves in front of famous artworks than they do of their actual lives.. Fact: Picasso once said, 'Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.' Clearly, he wasn't talking about museum-goers..
• Headline: FORMER GEOGHAN AIDE JOINS BENNETT STAFF; L.E. Ruisi Sworn as Assistant to State Attorney General. Impact: This staffing change inadvertently created a ripple effect of career changes in government, leading to the rise of the 'job-hopping politician' who spends more time switching jobs than actually serving the public.. Fact: In politics, an aide is just a fancy term for someone who can take the blame when things go awry..
• Headline: Ex-Aide of Schultz Sentenced. Impact: This sentencing sent shockwaves through the underbelly of organized crime, inspiring a wave of Netflix documentaries that would later glamorize the lives of ex-cons and their questionable choices.. Fact: In the world of crime, getting caught is just a plot twist waiting to happen..
• Headline: 1,000 JOIN IN TRIBUTE TO PHILANTHROPISTS; J.H. Schiff and F.M. Warburg Eulogized at Memorial Service. Impact: The outpouring of tribute led to the establishment of annual charity galas where attendees can pretend to care about philanthropy while actually just networking for their next big break.. Fact: Philanthropy is just a fancy word for 'using your wealth to distract from your questionable life choices.'.
• Headline: Wills for Probate. Impact: This mundane legal process inadvertently inspired the creation of reality TV shows about rich heirs fighting over their deceased relatives' fortunes, proving that drama can indeed be found in paperwork.. Fact: Probate is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let the family drama commence!'.