DECEMBER 24, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: French-Canadian Painter Georges Delfosse Dies. Impact: Delfosse's passing led to a resurgence in the appreciation for French-Canadian art, inadvertently inspiring the creation of a global movement where people started using paint to express their feelings instead of just graffiti-ing their exes' names on walls. Fact: Delfosse's work was so impactful that it caused a temporary increase in beret sales. Apparently, wearing a beret is now a prerequisite for understanding art.
• Headline: Remembering John P. Murphy Sr.. Impact: His death sparked a nationwide contest to see who could remember the most about livestock buying, leading to the creation of an annual 'Memory Olympics'—where everyone just ends up forgetting why they participated in the first place. Fact: Murphy's memory was so legendary that his family often joked he could remember the price of every cow he'd ever bought. Too bad he couldn't remember where he put his glasses.
• Headline: Future Glacial Epochs Explored. Impact: Simpson's wild theory ultimately led to an annual 'Glacial Olympics' where people dress as icebergs and compete in freezing cold water. The event has yet to gain traction—probably because no one wants to actually freeze. Fact: When Sir George Simpson proposed a return of glaciers, scientists were torn between disbelief and secretly hoping for a snow day. Spoiler: they never got it.
• Headline: NEW 10 CENTAVOS COIN IS ISSUED BY BOLIVIA. Impact: The introduction of the 10 centavos coin led to an unexpected inflation of coin-collecting hobbies, with people finding it more valuable to hoard coins than to actually use them for transactions. Fact: This new coin was so shiny that it distracted many a Bolivian citizen, leading to more accidents than you'd expect in a country that uses coins with faces on them.
• Headline: MUMMERS PARADE TO OUTDO THE PAST; Its Impresario Says Philadelphia Event Will Be More 'Gigantic'. Impact: The promise of a more 'gigantic' parade turned every future Mummers Parade into an arms race of outrageous floats and costumes, ultimately leading to the rise of the 'costume designer' as a legitimate career. Who knew the Mummers could shape job markets?. Fact: The term 'gigantic' was coined at this parade when someone realized that the floats were getting so big they could be mistaken for small houses.
• Headline: Two Reports on Mexico Today; The Weyls Present a Favorable, Mr. Marett A Critical, View of the Republic. Impact: The contrasting reports led to a decades-long debate about Mexico's reputation, resulting in countless documentaries, many of which were ironically more entertaining than the actual content. Fact: This debate was so heated that it sparked a series of dinner parties where attendees argued over the merits of Mexican cuisine while stuffing their faces with tacos.
• Headline: RUMANIA TO RESIST MOSCOW PRESSURE; Bucharest Will Not Negotiate on Return of Bessarabia-- Reich Backing Hinted. Impact: Romania's defiance became a case study in stubbornness, inspiring countless films where the hero refuses to negotiate with anyone over anything—cue the dramatic music. Fact: Rumania's refusal to budge was so notable that it became the basis for a motivational poster featuring a goat stubbornly standing its ground on a hill. The goat is now the national mascot.
• Headline: FOR SILENCE ON 3D TERM; Aiken Says Decision to Run Would Upset Congress. Impact: Aiken’s warning about upsetting Congress led to an entire sub-genre of political thrillers where characters constantly debate running for office while everyone else rolls their eyes. Fact: The phrase 'upset Congress' has since become a euphemism for any situation where politicians cannot agree on lunch, let alone important issues.
• Headline: PRESBYTERIANS TO MEET; Pastors to Study Problems of Finance at Session Thursday. Impact: This meeting led to an influx of financial seminars in churches, inadvertently making budgeting a new holy sacrament. Because who needs divine intervention when you have Excel?. Fact: The only thing more complicated than church finances is trying to explain those finances to the congregation. Spoiler: it usually ends in confusion and dessert.