DECEMBER 11, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Republican Convention Votes Allocated. Impact: The allocation of these votes led to the formation of secret alliances among states, ultimately resulting in a series of bizarre pacts where states would trade votes for pizza. This quirky political pizza party continues today, though now it’s just a metaphor for bipartisan cooperation. Fact: Vote trading was once considered a sport among politicians—much like how high schoolers trade lunch items, but with much worse consequences.
• Headline: Helen Charlton Engaged to Rev. Eckel Jr.. Impact: Helen's engagement inadvertently led to a surge in wedding planning seminars that taught couples how to avoid the drama of 'bridezilla'—a concept that still haunts wedding planners everywhere. Fact: Engagements have been known to increase the likelihood of spontaneous dance-offs at family gatherings. Proceed with caution.
• Headline: ANNE CARLL PARKE PROSPECTIVE BRIDE; Descendant of Elder Brewster Will Be Wed to Sedgwick Snedeker of Brooklyn HE IS PRINCETON ALUMNUS Fiancee a Granddaughter of Mrs. James W. Phyfe and Kin of Furniture Designer. Impact: This union set off a chain reaction, resulting in a furniture design renaissance and the eventual rise of hipster furniture stores that only sell items made from reclaimed wood. Fact: Marriages between descendants of notable figures often result in obscure trivia questions for future generations—like, 'Who was the more famous ancestor, and why are we still asking about it?'.
• Headline: New Church Is Dedicated. Impact: The dedication of this church inadvertently led to a spike in local real estate prices, as people began to believe that living near a church would increase their chances of divine intervention in their home buying decisions. Fact: Church dedications are often the only events where you can find both community members and real estate agents feigning interest in the sermon.
• Headline: DIES INVESTIGATOR SAYS REDS UTILIZE CONSUMER GROUPS; Report by Matthews States Communists Try to Stir Discontent Among ShoppersTO SABOTAGE ADVERTISINGAsserts Radicals Strike at Thisas Vital to Capitalism--Names Alleged 'Agitators' Says Discontent Is Exploited Investigation of Magazine Cited SAYS REDS UTILIZE CONSUMER GROUPS 'Transmission Belts' Listed Leaders in Groups Named. Impact: This report planted the seeds for the modern-day conspiracy theories regarding grocery store brands, leading to a generation of shoppers who now question if their organic kale is secretly plotting against capitalism. Fact: Consumer groups have been known to unite citizens against prices, but they rarely succeed against the allure of a good sale.
• Headline: GETS STATE LIBRARY POST; Vail, Librarian of Antiquarian Society, Will Go to Albany. Impact: Vail's move to Albany sparked a wave of library renovations across the country, resulting in book-themed cafes and 'shelfie' contests that would dominate social media feeds for decades. Fact: Librarians have been known to wield more power than politicians; they can shush entire rooms with just a glance.