NOVEMBER 9, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: French Forces Resist German Attacks. Impact: The tension at the French front sparked a series of unfortunate events that culminated in the invention of the 'French Retreat' as a strategic military maneuver, which has been humorously referenced in countless war films ever since.. Fact: The term 'neutral' in this context is as confusing as a cat at a dog show—someone's not quite getting the memo!.
• Headline: Shaw Supports Molotov's Speech. Impact: George Bernard Shaw's endorsement of Molotov's speech triggered a bizarre chain reaction of playwrights trying to get involved in politics, culminating in an annual event known as 'Theater Meets Politics,' where everyone just ends up throwing tomatoes.. Fact: Shaw once famously said, 'The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.' So, essentially, he was the original hipster..
• Headline: Bay State Woman Mayor Warns Radicals Away. Impact: The election of a woman mayor began a ripple effect that eventually led to the 21st-century phenomenon of 'female empowerment' memes, which are now the lifeblood of social media.. Fact: Fun fact: This was probably the first time someone said, 'You can’t handle the truth!' and actually meant it in a municipal context..
• Headline: ARGENTINA WILL BUY 200 TANK CARS HERE; $447,600 Rush Order Will Enable Purchase of Bolivian Oil. Impact: Argentina's rush order for tank cars inadvertently set off a global race for oil that led to the creation of the world's first 'Oil Olympics,' where countries compete for the best oil reserves and the most absurd slogans.. Fact: Fun fact: In the oil world, $447,600 is basically the equivalent of pocket change—where's my spare change jar?.
• Headline: British Commons Defeats Labor Plea for Rationing. Impact: The Commons' refusal to ration sparked a culinary revolution that led to the invention of the world's most regrettable diet fad: 'The Ration Challenge,' in which people eat only what they can scavenge from their sofas.. Fact: Rationing: the original diet plan where you basically eat less and complain more. Some people pay good money for that now!.
• Headline: DETROIT RATIO TOPS 2 TO 1; Jeffries Is Elected Mayor Over Incumbent, 226,185 to 108,973. Impact: Jeffries' overwhelming election victory led to a series of increasingly eccentric mayoral campaigns, including one infamous candidate who ran on a platform of mandatory cat videos every Tuesday.. Fact: In politics, a 2-to-1 ratio is basically the equivalent of being the most popular kid in school—except instead of lunch money, you're getting taxpayer dollars..
• Headline: BOOKS OF THE TIMES; Moses of the Mountain To the Promised Land Bandini. Impact: The publication of this book sparked a literary trend of biblical adaptations, leading to the eventual creation of 'The Bible: The Musical,' which has yet to be greenlit due to concerns over the casting choices.. Fact: Moses had a pretty rough time getting to the Promised Land—talk about a road trip! I can barely make it to the grocery store without a GPS..