NOVEMBER 1, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: $750 Million Ethyl Gasoline Trial Begins. Impact: This $750 million suit kicked off a legal whirlwind that would lead to countless courtroom dramas, inspiring a generation of lawyers to wear snazzy suits and charge obscene fees. Who knew the real profits were in litigation, not gasoline?. Fact: The only thing more inflated than that $750 million claim was the egos of the lawyers involved. They probably thought they were fighting for the fate of the universe..
• Headline: Canada Bans Coughlin's Social Justice Paper. Impact: Banning Coughlin's paper was like trying to put a lid on a boiling pot; it only added fuel to the fire of dissent. Spoiler alert: it didn't silence his followers, it just made them more determined to shout louder.. Fact: Coughlin was so popular that banning his paper probably made it a collector's item. Just like vinyl records, censorship makes everything cool!.
• Headline: Justice Bissell Injured in Car Accident. Impact: Justice Bissell's crash became the talk of the town, leading to a series of 'don't text and drive' campaigns about a century too early. Who knew judges could be such daredevils?. Fact: If only Justice Bissell had a time machine, he could've warned himself about the dangers of driving, or at least invested in a good seatbelt..
• Headline: RAILROAD'S PLIGHT IS LAID TO HAGUE; Head of Jersey Senate Says the Mayor Frustrated Move to Compromise Taxes Due LATTER TERMS IT A 'STEAL' Says Hendrickson Is 'Secret Representative' of Lines--D. L. & W. Plea in Court Today. Impact: Senator Hendrickson's accusations against Mayor Hague were the beginning of a beautiful friendship between politics and scandal. Fast forward and we see that some things never change—just swap out the names and we’re good to go.. Fact: Hendrickson's plan to blame Hague was so successful that future politicians would adopt this strategy as a primary campaign tool. It's like a game of political hot potato!.
• Headline: New Pastor Is Installed. Impact: The installation of a new pastor likely led to a series of dramatic sermons that would echo through the pews for decades. Who knew the fate of a congregation rested on the choice of a new guy in a robe?. Fact: New pastors are like new car models: some come with great features, others just leave you wondering what happened to the good ol' days..
• Headline: NEW SMALL LOAN PLAN; Mead Would Set Up Body Supervised by Federal Reserve. Impact: Mead's small loan plan was supposed to help the average Joe, but it quickly became a blueprint for future financial fiascos. Remember, if you can't pay back your small loan, just blame the economy!. Fact: Roosevelt opposing the increase was like a parent saying 'no' to a child asking for candy. Spoiler: the child still finds a way to sneak it later..
• Headline: ABOUT NEW YORK. Impact: The return of fish to the East River was a monumental event, signaling that nature was trying to reclaim its territory. Who knew fish could be such rebels, staging a comeback despite urban life?. Fact: If only the fish had a social media campaign, they'd have gone viral before it was cool. 'East River Fish: Making a Splash Since [insert year]!'.
• Headline: BRITAIN IS UNMOVED By MOLOTOFF TALK; Not Displeased by Indication of Continued Neutrality of Russia in the War DOUBTS COMFORT TO NAZIS Berlin Pleads Lateness of the Address for Any Comment by the Reich Press. Impact: Britain's indifference to Molotov's talk of neutrality fueled the fires of World War II, proving that sometimes silence speaks louder than words. Little did they know, they were just adding more logs to the already roaring fire.. Fact: The British were so unimpressed that they probably just rolled their eyes and said, 'Oh, not this again!' before sipping their tea..
• Headline: Plea for Summer Play Schools. Impact: Plea for summer play schools was a noble cause that would eventually lead to the modern-day summer camp, where kids can learn to avoid adulting for just a few more months. Thanks for the inspiration, Summer Play Schools Association!. Fact: Summer schools: where kids go to learn... and where teachers go to earn extra cash while secretly plotting their escape to the beach..
• Headline: Ex-U.S. Agent Gets 3 Years. Impact: J O'Malley's sentencing for bribery set a precedent that would haunt former agents for generations. It's funny how one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel—even if that apple was a bit too sweet for his own good.. Fact: O'Malley's life choices could probably fill a library of cautionary tales. Spoiler: don't be the guy who thinks 'sugar' can buy your way out of trouble..