OCTOBER 31, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: M'Nutt Challenges Ohio Security Legislation. Impact: M'Nutt's opposition to the Ohio Security Bill caused a butterfly effect of bureaucracy that led to the eventual rise of a dystopian future where every decision required a committee of three. The only thing they'd ever agree on? A mandatory coffee break.. Fact: Did you know that Congress once debated whether to give cats the right to vote? No? Well, neither did M'Nutt, but at least he had his priorities straight..
• Headline: Mayor's Unique Airport Office Lease. Impact: By leasing his office at the airport as a clubroom, the mayor inadvertently sparked a trend of politicians turning their offices into lounges, leading to a future where Congress held debates over cocktails and napkin art.. Fact: Fun fact: The airport bar is statistically the most honest place in America. People will tell you exactly how they feel about your politics—right before they order another drink..
• Headline: Goldstein's Candidacy Secured by Court Ruling. Impact: Goldstein's candidacy approval marked the beginning of a series of bizarre political contests, leading to the eventual nomination of a talking dog as a senator. Hey, at least he could bark back!. Fact: Did you know that the human brain can hold about 2.5 petabytes of information? That's about the same amount of information Goldstein's campaign team had to process in a week..
• Headline: U.S. Opens New Bund Inquiry Here; Kuhn Aide Balks, Then Testifies; James Wheeler-Hill, National Secretary, Is First Witness--His Attorney Derides 'Rumors' of Link to Nazi Germany. Impact: The Bund inquiry opened a can of worms that led to a chain reaction of paranoia and conspiracy theories, resulting in a future where every neighborhood had its own 'Nazi Watch' group—complete with suspicious pamphlets and a bake sale.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing that linked America to Nazi Germany during that time was a shared love for bad coffee and awkward silences at diplomatic dinners..
• Headline: GIRL GETS FIRST JOB, DIES; Excitement Fatal to Jean Van Duesen of Westwood, N.J.. Impact: Jean Van Duesen's tragic excitement-induced demise led to a nationwide campaign for safer workplaces. This inspired future job seekers to be less enthusiastic, thus creating a generation of employees who excelled in mediocrity.. Fact: It's said that if you can survive your first job, you can survive anything. Sadly, Jean didn't get that memo..
• Headline: China-Burma Airline Opens. Impact: The opening of the China-Burma Airline catalyzed an international travel boom, which ultimately led to a future where people complain about airplane food—because nothing says luxury like a two-hour delay and a pretzel.. Fact: Did you know that the first airline food was served in 1919? Spoiler alert: it was just a sandwich, and it wasn't even a good one..
• Headline: Hunter Begins War Seminars. Impact: Hunter's war seminars inadvertently inspired a series of reality shows that romanticized conflict, leading to a world where the phrase 'war is hell' was replaced with 'war is just another day at the office.'. Fact: They say those who can't do, teach. So, does that mean those who can't teach start seminars on how to go to war? Just a thought..
• Headline: Daughter to Randolph A. Hearsts. Impact: The birth of Randolph A. Hearst's daughter set off a legacy of media moguls that would influence the news cycle for decades, eventually leading to a future where reality TV stars are considered political commentators.. Fact: Fun fact: Randolph Hearst once tried to run for president. If only he had a daughter back then to help him with his PR strategy!.
• Headline: Refund by Louisiana Builders. Impact: The refund by Louisiana builders triggered a wave of accountability in construction, prompting the eventual rise of 'Building Inspectors: The Musical'—because who doesn't love a good show tune about structural integrity?. Fact: Did you know that construction workers have been known to sing while they work? Now you know who to blame for the next off-key rendition of 'I Will Survive' at your local site..