OCTOBER 15, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Auto Show Contest for Photographers. Impact: The introduction of amateur photography courses sparked a chain reaction that led to the rise of Instagram influencers, who would later contribute to the downfall of society by promoting avocado toast as a dietary staple. Fact: In a shocking twist, no one ever actually won the Auto Show Contest—turns out, 'free camera lessons' were just a euphemism for 'we're out of budget for prizes.'.
• Headline: Mt. St. Mary's Victory Over Western Maryland. Impact: The victory of Mt. St. Mary's over Western Maryland inspired a new wave of motivational speeches that forever altered the landscape of high school pep rallies, proving that winning really does solve everything—at least until the next test. Fact: No one remembers who played in this game, but the snacks at the concession stand are still talked about to this day.
• Headline: 1940 Lubricants for New Cars. Impact: The use of 1940 lubricants in new cars inadvertently led to an underground movement of vintage car enthusiasts who today argue over the 'authenticity' of their oil choices more passionately than their choice of music. Fact: The phrase 'oil change' actually has nothing to do with the car—it was originally a term for a particularly messy family reunion.
• Headline: New Mystery Stories. Impact: The publication of new mystery stories inspired generations of amateur sleuths who would later take to the internet, leading to a rise in conspiracy theories about everything from alien invasions to why your neighbor's cat stares at you. Fact: Cunningham, A B., was actually a pen name for a group of squirrels that wrote these stories during their lunch breaks.
• Headline: NEILSON SEES HITLER IN PERILOUS POSITION; Educator, at Smith, Says Allies' Task is to Destroy Nazi Policy. Impact: Neilson's comments on Hitler's precarious position led to a sudden increase in amateur historians who thought they could outsmart the world's leaders, culminating in a wildly unsuccessful blog called 'History on a Napkin.'. Fact: Neilson was actually just trying to get a rise out of his students with that comment, and it oddly worked—who knew the fate of the world hinged on a classroom debate?.
• Headline: Pastor Enlists as Gunner. Impact: The enlistment of a pastor as a gunner marked the beginning of a trend where clergy began to engage in military service, leading to a series of awkward encounters between soldiers and chaplains trying to bless the artillery. Fact: This pastor was undoubtedly the first to bring holy water to a battlefield—because nothing says 'blessing' like a splash of water and a machine gun.
• Headline: OIL INDUSTRY'S ROLE MANY-SIDED. Impact: The multifaceted role of the oil industry spurred a frenzy of conspiracy theories about oil barons controlling everything from the weather to the price of chocolate chip cookies, forever changing the way we perceive the forces behind our everyday lives. Fact: The 'low rear seat and straight door' design was actually inspired by a failed attempt to create a car that could double as a couch.
• Headline: OPINIONS UNDER POSTAGE; Further Discussion by Readers Of Problems Raised by Non-Representational Art. Impact: The ongoing discussion about non-representational art became a breeding ground for hipster culture, influencing everything from coffee shop décor to the way people express their disdain for traditional art. Fact: One of the leading arguments was that abstract art is simply the artist's way of saying, 'I ran out of paint and time.'.
• Headline: NEW SHOWS. Impact: The introduction of new shows at exhibitions led to a rise in 'artsy' selfies, forever altering the relationship between art and social media, and causing museum curators to weep silently in their coffee. Fact: These shows were actually just an elaborate excuse for people to show off their new outfits while pretending to appreciate art.