OCTOBER 14, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Charge on Chapel Hill: 1939 Showdown. Impact: The stuffing of the ballot box in Chapel Hill led to a series of increasingly ridiculous election scandals across the country, culminating in a reality TV show where candidates compete to win votes by performing absurd challenges. Yes, that show exists now.. Fact: Did you know stuffing ballots is basically the original social media influence strategy? Except instead of likes, you just bribed the clerk..
• Headline: Mysteries of October 1939 Unveiled. Impact: The mysterious 'Article 1 -- No Title' sparked an underground movement of writers who believed that titles were overrated. This led to a century of nameless works, which are now the trendiest pieces in modern art galleries. Who knew ambiguity was so avant-garde?. Fact: Fun fact: If you don't title your work, it can't be criticized for being bad. Take that, critics!.
• Headline: Hackenheimer-Colpitts Meeting. Impact: Hackenheimer and Colpitts' collaboration resulted in a butterfly effect where every time someone misspells a name, an alternate universe is created where that person becomes a famous celebrity. Thanks, typos!. Fact: Did you know that 'Hackenheimer' is actually German for 'the one who hacks the time-space continuum'? Okay, I just made that up, but it sounds cool, doesn’t it?.
• Headline: Heads Columbia Press Club. Impact: The Press Club election paved the way for the birth of sensationalist journalism, eventually leading to the creation of 'reality news' where the only qualification to report is the ability to wear a flashy tie.. Fact: Fun fact: The Press Club was actually founded on the principle of 'Who can yell the loudest?' Spoiler: They all failed at subtlety..
• Headline: BROOKLYN LIBRARY FEARS NEW DELAY; Garvin Asserts City Has Failed to Appropriate Funds. Impact: The Brooklyn Library's funding crisis triggered a series of public protests that led to a nationwide appreciation for libraries, resulting in a book club renaissance where hipsters become the unlikely defenders of literary classics.. Fact: Did you know that if libraries stop getting funding, the entire population might forget how to read? Oh wait, that’s already happening!.
• Headline: Princeton Soccer Victor, 1-0. Impact: Princeton's soccer victory over Swarthmore was the first in a long line of sports rivalries that eventually led to the formation of the 'World Series of Ultimate Frisbee.' Yes, you heard that right.. Fact: Fun fact: Soccer is the only sport where you can end a game in a tie and still have fans argue for hours about who really won. Welcome to sports logic!.
• Headline: DR. OWEN M. WALLER SR.; Clergyman and Physician of Brooklyn Dies at Age of 71. Impact: Dr. Owen M. Waller Sr.'s passing reverberated through the medical community, leading to a day of mourning where physicians exchanged 'how to not die while on a train' stories. This became an annual event known as 'Train Safety Awareness Day.'. Fact: Did you know that 71 is the new 51 in clergymen years? Apparently, the secret to longevity is avoiding the train at all costs!.
• Headline: OPERA BENEFIT ON DEC. 7; 'Parsifal' at Metropolitan to Aid the Crittenton League. Impact: The benefit opera for the Crittenton League led to an unexpected surge in public interest in classical music, resulting in an annual 'Opera in the Park' event where people pretend to enjoy high culture while secretly just wanting the free wine.. Fact: Did you know that 'Parsifal' was actually written as a response to a bet? Someone bet Wagner that he couldn’t make a piece that put everyone to sleep. Spoiler: The audience was not amused..
• Headline: RESCUE OF SAILOR AT SEA DESCRIBED; Man Without Food Picked Up in 15-Foot Yawl in Which He Spent 6 Months. Impact: The rescue of the sailor at sea inspired countless films and novels about survival against the odds. Little did they know, every time someone tells this story, a sailor somewhere gets a little more paranoid about their next fishing trip.. Fact: Did you know that spending six months at sea with no food could actually be a new dieting trend? Welcome to the 'Castaway Cleanse'—results may vary!.