OCTOBER 10, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mexico Considers Leaving the League of Nations. Impact: If Mexico had actually quit the League, we might have seen a world where taco trucks were replaced by 'Salsa Diplomacy' as the new international relations strategy. The ripple would have caused a shortage of guacamole at global summits, leading to a rise in avocado smuggling. Who knew avocados could be so powerful?. Fact: The League of Nations was like the first attempt at a Facebook group for countries. It didn't work out, but at least they tried to poke each other..
• Headline: Dividends Announced by H D Gibson. Impact: H.D. Gibson's election as a director caused a chain reaction that led to the invention of the corporate coffee machine, which ultimately resulted in the decline of productivity across America. Thanks, Gibson!. Fact: Dividends are like the adult version of a participation trophy. You didn’t really win, but hey, here's a little something for showing up!.
• Headline: Sullivan's Unopposed Tammany Re-election. Impact: Sullivan's uncontested re-election was akin to a 'No Contest' match in wrestling. It set a precedent for political apathy that would echo through the ages, leading to every 'politician' ever just coasting on the momentum of their predecessors.. Fact: Being elected without opposition is the political equivalent of winning a game of chess against a toddler. Sure, you won, but did you really achieve anything?.
• Headline: FLORENCE P. KEPPLER WILL BECOME BRIDE; Adelphi Graduate Is Affianced to Walter Stephen Rushmore. Impact: Florence P. Keppler’s engagement might have sparked the first reality TV show about weddings, leading to an entire industry built on the drama of 'bridezillas' and overpriced cake tastings. The world might never have been ready.. Fact: Engagements are just a formal way of saying, 'We like each other enough to tolerate our families for a day.'.
• Headline: Daughter to R.H.L. Sextons. Impact: The birth of R.H.L. Sexton's daughter might have led to the formation of a lineage of overachievers, eventually resulting in a dynasty of successful Sextons in various fields, including perhaps the world of competitive napping.. Fact: Some say that every baby born brings a new wave of hope. Others just think it's an excuse for parents to buy a ton of baby clothes..
• Headline: M'NUTT DRIVE IN EAST GETS UNDER WAY HERE; He Declines to Say Definitely That He Seeks Nomination. Impact: McNutt's indecisiveness could have led to a world where politicians are always in a state of 'maybe,' causing an entire generation to take 'meh' as a political stance. The ripple effect would make the phrase 'I’ll think about it' a national motto.. Fact: Political campaigns are just like dating: if you can't tell them exactly what you want, you probably shouldn't be running for anything..
• Headline: BRITISH CHILDREN RETURN TO CITIES; DRIVERS OF THE NAZI WAR MACHINE. Impact: The return of British children to cities post-war may have contributed to the rise of childhood mischief, leading to an explosion of pranks that would later be documented in viral videos, forever changing the face of childhood innocence.. Fact: Children returning to cities after a war is like the ultimate 'Kids Gone Wild' episode. Spoiler alert: it usually ends with someone getting grounded..
• Headline: LIBERTIES PARLEY EXCLUDES NO GROUP; Baldwin Replies to Waldman's Attack on Conference. Impact: The Liberties Parley excluding no group could have been the spark for future conferences to include every imaginable group, leading to a bizarre scenario where even your Aunt Edna's knitting club has a seat at the table. Talk about overkill!. Fact: Having no group excluded sounds nice until you realize it means everyone shows up, including that one person who brings the fruitcake nobody wants..
• Headline: NO SHIPS DAMAGED; Repeated Attacks Made by German Planes Off Coast of Norway NAVAL BATTLE AVERTED Reich Squadron Scurried for Cover Upon Being Sighted by a British Patrol. Impact: The near-miss of a naval battle in Norway may have significantly altered the trajectory of WWII, leading to a bizarre timeline where British sailors become professional divers, competing for Olympic gold instead of engaging in naval warfare.. Fact: Naval battles averted are like dodging a bullet—great for survival, but someone still has to deal with the awkward silence at the next family reunion..
• Headline: CONGRESS RECESS SUGGESTED TO LET PRESIDENT MEDIATE; Senate Majority Chiefs Give Little Chance to Plan to Seek Peace in Europe ADMINISTRATION DENIES BID Action Set for Today on Motion to Split Neutrality Bill for Separate Arms Ban Vote. Impact: The suggestion for Congress to recess for presidential mediation might have kicked off a trend of politicians taking extended vacations, leading to a world where Congress becomes an exclusive club for golf enthusiasts rather than lawmakers.. Fact: Suggesting Congress take a recess is like telling a kid to take a nap when the homework's due: you're just delaying the inevitable..