SEPTEMBER 16, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dismissal of Patrolman W C Flannery. Impact: Flannery's dismissal led to a chain reaction of hiring practices in law enforcement. This ultimately resulted in the invention of the 'police academy,' where future officers would learn the fine art of donut consumption and dramatic car chases. Fact: Did you know that in some places, if you say 'patrolman', you might as well be talking about the guy who patrols the snack aisle at the local supermarket?.
• Headline: Miss Cochran Sets Air Speed Record. Impact: Cochran's air record sparked a global obsession with speed, leading to the creation of the fast-food drive-thru—because who wouldn't want to eat a burger at 309 mph?. Fact: Did you know that 309 mph is faster than your average Netflix binge-watching session? At least in terms of how quickly you can finish an entire series!.
• Headline: NEW BLOOD TEST DEFECTS CANCER; A Drop From One Afflicted Forms Unique Pattern in a Copper Chloride Crystal VIEWED AS DIAGNOSIS AID It Also Reveals Tuberculosis, Says Report of Physicians at Atlantic City Meeting. Impact: The discovery of this blood test made doctors feel like they were wielding magical powers. It's rumored that some doctors began wearing capes and calling themselves 'The Crystal Healers' as a result. Fact: Blood tests today can detect more than just cancer; they can also reveal if you've eaten too many tacos last weekend. But who needs that kind of negativity?.
• Headline: "THE BOWERY". Impact: The Bowery's appearance in 1890 led to a cultural renaissance that inspired countless artists, eventually resulting in the creation of overpriced hipster coffee shops in the area. Fact: If you think 'The Bowery' sounds fancy, just wait until you hear about what they’re calling their artisanal avocado toast these days.
• Headline: SAAR DRIVE GOES ON; Allies Turn Back Heavy Counter-Attack From Low-Flying Planes POSITION STRONGER Major Offensive is Now Expected Shortly as Gains Continue. Impact: The counter-attack in Saar set off a series of military strategies that led to the emergence of military tactics that could be described as 'the art of running away gracefully.'. Fact: The only thing more confusing than the geography of Saar is trying to explain why we keep fighting over it in history books. Spoiler: nobody really knows.
• Headline: Naval Orders; Naval Orders. Impact: Naval orders often determined the fate of entire fleets, which eventually led to the creation of epic naval battles in video games, where players can sink ships without any real-life consequences. Fact: In the Navy, ‘orders’ are often as vague as a fortune cookie. 'You will face challenges today'—thanks, I could have guessed that!.
• Headline: CHAPERAU'S PLEA FAILS; Court Refuses to Cut Further Sentence of Smugglers' Aide. Impact: Chapereau's failed plea set a precedent for smugglers, making it harder for them to wiggle out of their sentences. Years later, this inspired a reality TV show called 'Smugglers: The Real Consequences.'. Fact: Smuggling has been around since the dawn of time. The first smuggler was probably a caveman trying to bring home extra mammoth meat without his wife noticing.
• Headline: VAN HORN DEFEATS SABIN IN FIVE SETS; DURING MATCH ON STADIUM COURT YESTERDAY. Impact: Van Horn's victory in the match led to an increased interest in tennis, which eventually inspired the creation of a sport where you can yell at your opponent without getting disqualified. Fact: Five sets in tennis? That’s about as long as it takes to decide what to watch on Netflix. Maybe we should start a tournament for that too!.