SEPTEMBER 9, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Natl Assn of Lr Carriers Opposes Postal Rates. Impact: If the postal rates had been raised, perhaps a young entrepreneur would have started a revolutionary email service in 1900, leading to a world where everyone communicates via email instead of carrier pigeons. But alas, we are stuck with endless spam and no pigeons.. Fact: Did you know that if mail rates were raised, we could have avoided the digital age entirely? Thanks for keeping us in the stone age, postal carriers!.
• Headline: Alice Duryea and John Kinney Wed. Impact: This seemingly simple wedding could have altered the entire course of American art if Alice had decided to elope instead, sparking a chain reaction of rebellious artists abandoning tradition for chaos!. Fact: Fun fact: Weddings in the Arts Club are known for their extravagant receptions—too bad the art world didn’t take notes on how to make their events less stuffy!.
• Headline: Treasurers' Union Elects Officers Amid Controversy. Impact: A lack of solid leadership in the Treasurers' Union led to an era of financial mismanagement, which ultimately resulted in the first-ever Broadway musical about tax evasion—'Rent: The Prequel!'. Fact: Isn't it ironic that a union formed to manage finances ends up being the punchline of every bad accountant joke?.
• Headline: CUTTER IS WITHDRAWN FROM BYRD EXPEDITION; Craft Needed in Neutrality Plans --Admiral to Go Anyway. Impact: Withdrawing the cutter could have led to an alternate timeline where Admiral Byrd gets lost in Antarctica, accidentally discovers a hidden civilization, and becomes their king. Talk about a plot twist!. Fact: Did you know that neutrality plans sometimes mean sending ships to do absolutely nothing? Sounds like a typical Monday in government!.
• Headline: MISS GUILFOIL IN FINAL; Defeats Miss Traung, 3 and 2, in Mason and Dixon Golf. Impact: Miss Guilfoil's victory could have inspired a generation of women to take up golf, leading to the first female golfing league. Instead, we got 'The Real Housewives of Golf'—a real tragedy.. Fact: Fun fact: Golf was originally a game for gentlemen, but now it’s just a way to avoid doing actual work while pretending to enjoy nature..
• Headline: REDS 'USE VIOLENCE' SAYS BRIDGES WITNESS; Educator Attacks Testimony of Professors for Defense. Impact: This courtroom drama could have sparked a nationwide debate on educational ethics, leading to a complete overhaul of the academic system. Instead, we just got more drama and less education.. Fact: Did you know that courtroom testimonies are basically just reality TV with less budget and more legal jargon?.
• Headline: Europe; Conquered or Not, the Poles Cannot Be Destroyed. Impact: This statement could have inspired a greater European unity against oppression, leading to an entirely different trajectory for World War II. But instead, we just got a whole lot of stubbornness.. Fact: Respect to the Poles—this has been their unofficial motto since the dawn of time. Talk about resilience!.
• Headline: ELIZABETH CULVER ENGAGED TO MARRY; Descendant of Thomas Fitch, Connecticut Governor, Will Be Bride of Francis Rogers. Impact: This engagement could have led to a political dynasty, with their descendants dominating Connecticut politics for centuries to come—if only their wedding cake hadn't collapsed.. Fact: Engagements are like a promise to spend the rest of your life together... or until one of you decides to buy a cat..
• Headline: CANADA TO DEFEND ITS OWN TERRITORY; To Send Munitions and Airmen to Britain--Defers Action on Overseas Force. Impact: Canada's decision to defend its territory could have changed the course of military strategy, possibly leading to Canada becoming the world's peacekeepers instead of just a friendly neighbor with great syrup.. Fact: Did you know that 'Canada' is actually derived from an old word meaning 'let’s just be nice and avoid conflict?'.
• Headline: Kansas City Clinches Pennant. Impact: Kansas City's victory could have led to a sports dynasty, inspiring other cities to take sports way too seriously and resulting in the first-ever 'Sports Fanatics Anonymous' support group.. Fact: Fun fact: Winning a pennant is basically like getting a participation trophy, but with more hot dogs and less shame!.