SEPTEMBER 4, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Balkans Forming Neutrality Bloc in 1939. Impact: The formation of a neutrality bloc in the Balkans caused a cosmic chain reaction. Little did they know that their avoidance of conflict would lead to an entire generation of people debating the merits of neutrality while sipping coffee in hipster cafes—a trend that would somehow revive 90s fashion.. Fact: Did you know that neutrality is just a fancy way of saying 'I'm not getting involved in this mess, good luck!'?.
• Headline: Churches Call for Farm-Labor Unity. Impact: The call for farm-labor unity by churches sparked a movement that ultimately led to the rise of 'Farmers Against Emails'—a group dedicated to keeping agriculture free from the shackles of modern communication.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time churches got involved in labor discussions, they accidentally invented potlucks!.
• Headline: Tragic Freeport Car Accident. Impact: The tragic crash in Freeport became the catalyst for a series of absurd safety regulations, including mandatory seatbelt fashion shows and 'how not to drive' seminars that no one attended but everyone pretended were a good idea.. Fact: It's ironic that car crashes led to more safety regulations, but still no one knows how to parallel park..
• Headline: Nominated for Presidency Of Institute of Architects. Impact: The nomination for the presidency of the Institute of Architects led to a bizarre architectural trend where buildings began to resemble giant fruit—because who wouldn’t want to live in a pineapple under the sea?. Fact: Did you know architects only get to be creative until they start getting requests for 'more rooms' and 'less weird shapes'?.
• Headline: U.S. GATHERS SHIPS TO CARRY CITIZENS; Many Marshaled to Bring Back Those Abroad--Belligerents' Vessels Race for Cover AGENTS ARE CLOSE-LIPPED Queen Mary to Arrive Today-- Only Two Sailings Here Amid War Tension. Impact: As the U.S. gathered ships to bring citizens back home, this led to an unexpected boom in the travel industry, where people began booking 'cruise vacations' just to avoid the chaos of war—because nothing says relaxation like a floating hotel during a global conflict.. Fact: Did you know that 'camouflage' in this context just means the ships are trying to hide from the drama of the world?.
• Headline: FRENCH CONSULATE HERE OPEN SUNDAY; Offices of Other Belligerents Busy but Closed to Public. Impact: The French consulate opening on a Sunday sparked a diplomatic trend where embassies began hosting 'Sunday Funday' events, complete with mimosas and awkward small talk, inadvertently making international relations more festive.. Fact: Did you know that embassies are just like bars, but with more paperwork and fewer karaoke nights?.
• Headline: Bulletins on European Conflict; Air Battle Over Netherlands Reported. Impact: The bulletins on the European conflict led to an entire genre of war-themed reality TV shows. Who knew that air battles would pave the way for 'Survivor: War Zone'?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more chaotic than a real air battle is trying to explain it to your grandparents..
• Headline: PRINCE FELIX AND SON HONORED AT TUXEDO; Guests of Laurens M. Hamilton at Luncheon in Club. Impact: Prince Felix and his son being honored at a luncheon led to a royal trend of brunches that kept the upper-class elite fueled with mimosas, ultimately making brunch the most important meal of the day for the privileged.. Fact: Did you know that being royal means you can have a fancy title but still can’t escape the awkwardness of small talk at luncheons?.
• Headline: CHILE BARS SHIP SALE TO FOREIGN NATIONS; Also Curbs Export of All Goods Convertible to War Uses. Impact: Chile barring ship sales to foreign nations turned the tides on international trade, leading to a black market for artisanal ships crafted by local hipsters, complete with eco-friendly sails and gluten-free hulls.. Fact: Isn't it funny how 'barred' and 'bizarre' sound so similar? Because that’s exactly what trade negotiations often are!.