AUGUST 14, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: McGoldrick's $60M Debt Relief Proposal. Impact: McGoldrick's plan to save $60 million set off a chain reaction of fiscal responsibility that led to future generations obsessively budgeting their coffee purchases. Thanks, McGoldrick, for making us all coffee-accountants.. Fact: Did you know that if you saved $10 a week starting in 1920, you'd have enough to buy a vintage car today? Oh wait, McGoldrick's plan was for a breathing spell, not a car. My bad!.
• Headline: Nova Pilbeam of Films to Wed. Impact: Nova Pilbeam's wedding was the catalyst for a cosmic shift in the film industry, leading to a decades-long obsession with celebrity weddings. Now, every time someone says 'I do,' a million Instagram accounts are born.. Fact: Did you know that celebrity weddings are now so lavish they could fund a small country's GDP? Just kidding, but some of them are definitely more extravagant than a royal wedding!.
• Headline: Isaac Newton Boyce Passes Away at 79. Impact: Isaac Newton Boyce's death led to the invention of the modern selfie stick. People realized that capturing moments was crucial, especially when those moments are the last ones of iconic photographers.. Fact: Did you know that Isaac Newton's laws of motion are more stable than most people's relationships? At least he could count on gravity!.
• Headline: CHURCH STRIFE IN ESTONIA; Archbishop Refuses to Give Up Post Despite Divorce Case. Impact: The church strife in Estonia sparked an international crisis of faith, leading to the invention of online confessionals. Now, you can confess your sins while binge-watching cat videos.. Fact: Did you know that church politics can be messier than family reunions? At least in a family feud, you can leave early without feeling guilty..
• Headline: Child Drowns in Shallow Pool. Impact: The tragic drowning of a child in a shallow pool led to an entire generation of parents becoming overly cautious, creating the bubble-wrapped child phenomenon that still exists today. Thanks for the paranoia!. Fact: Did you know that the average parent in today’s world has an emergency plan for everything, including what to do if their child asks for snacks for the third time in a row?.
• Headline: JOHN HARTSHORNE BEEBE; Member of Old Massachusetts Family Dies in Wakefield. Impact: John Hartshorne Beebe's passing marked an end of an era, triggering a wave of nostalgia that led to the rise of ancestry services. Everyone wanted to know if they were related to someone as fancy as him.. Fact: Did you know that tracing your family tree can sometimes lead to discovering a long-lost cousin who is actually a famous criminal? Just a casual family reunion, right?.
• Headline: AMERICAN 'DOGMA' ASSAILED BY FUNK; Germany's Economics Minister Says U.S. Has Hampered Trade for Political Reasons HE DESIRES 'ADJUSTMENT' Hails Reich's 'Common Sense' in Economic Policy, Deploring Our Loss of Good Market. Impact: Funk's criticism of American 'dogma' was the seed that sprouted countless conspiracy theories, leading to today's rampant belief that the moon landing was staged by a Hollywood director.. Fact: Did you know that calling something a 'dogma' can make it sound so much more important? Like, who doesn't want to be part of a dogmatic club?.
• Headline: 3 MORE MANSIONS ON FIFTH AVE. T0 GO; Schiff, Chapin and Rentschler Homes at 74th Street Sold as Apartment Site SYMBOLS OF PASSING ERA Eighteen-Story Building to Rise After Razing of Houses Linked to Noted Families. Impact: The razing of three mansions on Fifth Avenue triggered a wave of real estate speculation, eventually leading to the current housing crisis where even a shoebox apartment costs an arm and a leg.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more overpriced than Fifth Avenue real estate is the coffee sold at the nearest café? At least one of them gives you caffeine to deal with your buyer’s remorse!.
• Headline: HANDICAPS CALLED POTENTIAL ASSETS; Bishop Abbott Says Conquering Them Makes Life Better. Impact: Bishop Abbott's sermon on handicaps as potential assets inspired a legion of motivational speakers, leading to the rise of 'just do it' culture. Now, everyone thinks they can conquer anything, including their laundry.. Fact: Did you know that overcoming a handicap can be as simple as getting out of bed? Well, that’s what my alarm clock keeps telling me every morning!.
• Headline: RESULT NOT GIVEN; No Communique Issued, but Berlin Reports 100% Agreement ITALIAN PRESS IN THE DARK London Rumor Says Hitler Rejected Mussolini Plan for General Settlement. Impact: The lack of a communique after the Berlin agreement rumor turned political speculation into a full-blown Olympic sport. Now, every vague statement leads to 12-hour debates on social media.. Fact: Did you know that political rumors spread faster than a cat video on the internet? And just like those cat videos, they often make no sense at all!.