AUGUST 4, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Blimp Ball Incident Injures Local Man. Impact: J Sprinz's jaw injury sparked a new trend in 'extreme sports'—involving blimps and reckless ball tossing, of course. This led to the rise of blimp-based dodgeball leagues in the 1980s. It was as chaotic as it sounds, and just as regrettable.. Fact: Did you know that blimp safety regulations were completely non-existent until after this incident? Thanks for the heads up, J!.
• Headline: New Leadership at W. E. Burnet & Co.. Impact: The partnership at W. E. Burnet & Co. inadvertently set off a chain reaction of questionable business decisions that culminated in an infamous 'Burnet Blunder' that haunted the firm's reputation for decades. It’s funny how one promotion can lead to corporate chaos.. Fact: Fun fact: W. E. Burnet & Co. later became famous for producing the world's least popular office supplies. You know, the ones that no one wants..
• Headline: Edythe Sykes a Bride-Elect. Impact: Edythe Sykes's engagement caused a nationwide spike in wedding-themed Pinterest boards, inadvertently leading to the rise of DIY disasters and regrettable themed weddings. Thank you, Edythe, for unleashing the 'Rustic Barn' aesthetic.. Fact: Did you know that wedding planning now has its own therapy divisions? Edythe should have seen that coming!.
• Headline: RUMSON IS VICTOR, 7-5; Halts Monmouth Whites to Gain Herbert Cup Polo Final. Impact: Rumson's victory at the polo match marked a pivotal moment in equestrian sports, inspiring a generation of young polo players who went on to invent 'polo with drones.' Yes, that’s a real thing now.. Fact: The Herbert Cup was named after a guy who never played polo but was really good at being rich. Guess money can't buy skill, but it can buy trophies!.
• Headline: CITY SUBWAYS BAR 'HARD LIQUOR' SIGNS; Advertising Contracts 1940 to 1944 Ban 'High-Powered Alcoholic Products' MOVE DUE TO COMPLAINTS Bids, to Be Received Today, Must Agree to Drop 'Objectionable' Posters at Once. Impact: The ban on hard liquor advertising in subways started a long, long debate about whether it's better to be bombarded with ads for overpriced vodka or to just be left to sip on your lukewarm coffee in peace. Spoiler: neither option is great.. Fact: This decision led to the introduction of the 'Gourmet Coffee' sign, which was just as pretentious as it sounds. Enjoy your artisanal train ride!.
• Headline: Mrs. Ned L. Pines Has Daughter. Impact: The birth of Mrs. Ned L. Pines's daughter resulted in the birth of yet another generation of 'Mrs. Ned L. Pines' wannabes hoping to live up to the family legacy. Sorry, kiddo, but your name is already a mouthful.. Fact: Did you know that 'Ned' is actually a name that fell out of favor? So good luck explaining that one to your friends, little Pinelet!.
• Headline: WISCONSIN SHIFTS UNIVERSITY BOARD; Abolishes Body That Ousted Frank, Provides New One. Impact: The shake-up in Wisconsin's university board led to a series of administrative changes that eventually resulted in the infamous 'Wisconsin Cheese Curriculum.' Because when in doubt, add more cheese!. Fact: Abolishing the old board meant they had to come up with a new excuse for why they couldn't fix the campus Wi-Fi. Classic!.
• Headline: PARTY IN SARATOGA HONORS JOHN BELLS; Philadelphians Entertained at Spa by Mr. and Mrs. Fitz Eugene Dixon Gives Party for 400 Children. Impact: The extravagant party for 400 needy children sparked a nationwide trend of rich people trying to outdo each other with charitable events, leading to the absurdity of 'Charity Gala Olympics.' Because why not compete to give?. Fact: Mr. Dixon's party was so lavish that the kids probably thought they were at a royal wedding. Spoiler: they were not!.