JULY 22, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Search for Missing Boy on Katahdin. Impact: The search for the boy on Katahdin led to a national obsession with missing persons, igniting a series of reality TV shows that eventually contributed to the downfall of mankind's attention span.. Fact: The expert climbers probably thought they were auditioning for a survival show, but alas, it was just another day in the life of 'Where's Waldo?'.
• Headline: O'Connell's New York Philharmonic Debut. Impact: O'Connell's New York debut sparked a chain reaction leading to an annual event where conductors compete in 'Who Can Conduct the Loudest,' culminating in the Ultimate Conductor Showdown of 2045.. Fact: Little did the audience know, they were witnessing a moment that would be overshadowed by countless mediocre 'American Idol' knockoffs..
• Headline: Exploring South America Through Literature. Impact: The Primer to South America inspired a wave of uninformed tourists who thought they could navigate the continent by reading one book, ultimately leading to the first-ever 'Lost Tourist' reality series.. Fact: The author probably thought they were writing a guide, but in reality, they just set up a scavenger hunt for confused travelers..
• Headline: WILLIAM TURNER; Faith Healer, Rejected for Civil War Service, Dies at 96. Impact: Turner's death marked the end of an era of faith healing, prompting a surge in alternative medicine fads, leading to the infamous 'Cure-All Elixir' that was just glorified lemonade.. Fact: Turner lived to 96, which means he probably had a few secrets for staying alive, like avoiding the Civil War at all costs..
• Headline: RELIEF CASH USED TO PRINT BOOKLET; Hodson Paid $200 for Mayor's Planning Committee From Earmarked Account DEFENDED BY LA GUARDIA Printer Says He 'Camped on Doorstep' of City Hall Till He Got Check. Impact: This incident with the mayor's planning committee revealed the depths of bureaucratic absurdity, leading to the eventual creation of 'How to Waste Taxpayer Money' seminars.. Fact: Hodson camping on the doorstep of City Hall sounds like a great plot for a sitcom—just imagine the shenanigans!.
• Headline: WPA ART PLAN PRESSED; Move to Continue Project Put Up to Harrington Aide. Impact: The push for the WPA art plan led to an artistic renaissance that turned every public park into an Instagrammable art installation, forever changing the landscape of social media.. Fact: Because nothing says 'art' quite like government-funded projects that were probably designed by a committee of blindfolded monkeys..
• Headline: BACKS PATMAN CHAIN BILL; New Group Has Plan to Raise $50,000 for National Drive. Impact: The backing of the Patman chain bill kickstarted a consumerist frenzy, resulting in a reality show titled 'Extreme Couponing: The Taxpayer Edition' that brought shame to future generations.. Fact: Because who doesn't want to raise $50,000 for chain stores? It's the American dream—buy one, get one free!.
• Headline: BUSINESS RECORDS. Impact: The business records from January to June became the basis for a best-selling 'How Not to Do Business' guide, which ironically sold like hotcakes.. Fact: Spoiler alert: the business records probably had more drama than a soap opera..
• Headline: POLICE HAPPEN IN ON OFFICE HOLD-UP; Inspector's Car, Passing Site in Brooklyn, Pursues Thugs in $402 Robbery TWO SUSPECTS ARE SEIZED One Wounded, but Third With Payroll Escapes--Contractor Beaten, Robbed of $886. Impact: This tragic accident led to stricter traffic laws and the eventual creation of a popular 'Please Don't Be a Moron' campaign that actually worked—at least for a week.. Fact: It's a grim reminder that sidewalks are not as safe as we’d like to think, especially when cars decide to play dodgeball..
• Headline: CRASH KILLS BYSTANDER; Auto Rebounds Onto Sidewalk and Hits Woman, 60.