JULY 18, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Westchester Apartment Purchase by Bank. Impact: The sale of that apartment property triggered a spike in real estate prices across Westchester, leading to a housing boom that resulted in the world’s first 'Luxury Homeless' population. No one expected that a bank sale would end up causing a fashion trend for cardboard chic.. Fact: Real estate agents were once known for their impeccable sense of humor—just kidding; they're still just known for their impeccable ability to sell overpriced shoeboxes..
• Headline: Wildlife Development Funding Announced. Impact: With the allocation of funds for wildlife, the local squirrel population began to form unions, demanding better nuts and a longer winter hibernation. This eventually led to the first-ever Squirrel Strike of 1978, which caused a nationwide nut shortage.. Fact: If only wildlife could vote, maybe they’d finally get the representation they deserve—who wouldn't want a raccoon in Congress?.
• Headline: Tragic Prison Break in Bogotá, 1939. Impact: The tragic end of the prison outbreak sent shockwaves throughout the justice system and inspired a series of mediocre films about prison escapes, reinforcing the stereotype that all escape plans involve a spoon and some creative tunneling.. Fact: Prison breaks have inspired more Hollywood sequels than any superhero franchise. Maybe they should start casting actual escapees..
• Headline: GEM THIEF SENTENCED; Second to Admit Antique Shop Robbery Gets 2 to 4 Years. Impact: The sentencing of the gem thief led to an underground movement where thieves began to steal only non-precious stones, declaring them 'anti-capitalist gems' and sparking a bizarre trend in minimalism that left jewelers scratching their heads.. Fact: With a sentence of 2 to 4 years, J Poarch will be spending more time behind bars than most people spend in therapy for their impulse control issues..
• Headline: BALDWIN DEFENSE LEANS ON GEOGHAN; He Indicates He Will Place the Responsibility for 'Immunity Deal' on Prosecutor. Impact: Baldwin's defense strategy of shifting blame onto Geoghan led to the establishment of a new courtroom trend—the 'Pass the Blame' defense—which is now so popular that even toddlers are using it during snack time.. Fact: In legal circles, the phrase 'the dog ate my homework' is now officially recognized as a legitimate defense strategy..
• Headline: KERN IS SUMMONED ON ASSAULT CHARGE; Civil Service Head Is Accused by Doorman of Striking Him in Parking Row LATTER'S EYE BANDAGED Official Disavows Blow, but Admits That He May Have Been 'a Little Rough'. Impact: Kern's altercation with the doorman became a case study for future civil service training programs, leading to mandatory classes on 'How to Avoid Parking Lot Fights'—which unfortunately did not include an actual practical exam.. Fact: Parking rows have become so common that some civil servants now consider them a sport, right up there with competitive lawn mowing..
• Headline: GOV. MAYBANK HERE; South Carolina Executive Has Praises for Fair. Impact: Gov. Maybank's visit to the World's Fair turned South Carolina Day into a cultural phenomenon, leading to a long line of 'State Days' that eventually culminated in 'State War' where each state tried to outdo each other with bizarre attractions.. Fact: World's Fair? More like World's 'Let's Show Off Our Weird Stuff'—because who doesn’t want to see a giant corn cob?.
• Headline: EX-HEAD OF POLICE SEIZED IN BUFFALO; Higgins and Carr, Ex-Party Leader, Accused in Gambling Conspiracy20 INDICTMENTS VOTED New List Brings Total to 68 in 20 Months' Inquiryin Erie County. Impact: The massive gambling conspiracy unveiled in Buffalo led to the formation of underground poker clubs that eventually became the inspiration for reality TV shows, starting a sad but lucrative trend of watching people lose their dignity on camera.. Fact: Buffalo has a rich history in gambling, mostly because people there have been betting on the weather for decades—sunny today? I’ll take that bet!.
• Headline: FRENCH ADMIRAL HONORED; Godfroy and 40 of His Officers Guests at Fair Dinner. Impact: Honoring French admiral Godfroy at the fair not only strengthened Franco-American relations but also unintentionally sparked a culinary war over who could create the better croissant—resulting in pastry chefs being treated like rock stars.. Fact: The only thing more flaky than a croissant? The politicians who promise to save them while simultaneously trying to sell us stale baguettes..
• Headline: CHAMBERLAIN FIRM ON ORIENT POLICY, HE WARNS JAPAN; Stresses in Commons That He Will Not Change at Summons of Tokyo Government DENIES RECEIVING DEMAND Prime Minister Indicates He Plans to Prolong Tokyo Talk Till Europe Is Quieter. Impact: Chamberlain's firm stance on Japan led to a series of diplomatic misunderstandings that resulted in the creation of 'World War Diplomacy 101'—a course that has never been offered but is desperately needed.. Fact: If Chamberlain had just sent a strongly worded email, we might have avoided a lot of trouble—thank goodness for the good old days when letters took months to arrive!.