JULY 11, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Domestic Violence Incident. Impact: If only the husband had chosen a hobby instead of a weapon, the entire murder-suicide scenario could have sparked a movement for more gun safety awareness. Or at least a really intense 'how to communicate' workshop.. Fact: In the time it takes to argue about money, a couple could have settled their differences with a game of Monopoly. Just saying..
• Headline: Court Ruling on Baptist Church Practices. Impact: This court case could have set off a chain reaction leading to the eventual rise of community churches everywhere, transforming the very fabric of religious practice. Who knew a church roll could be so revolutionary?. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, people have been arguing about church practices since the dawn of time. Maybe they should have just started a book club instead..
• Headline: Reich Condemns Chamberlain's Speech. Impact: Reich's scorn for Chamberlain could have sparked an alternate universe where diplomacy actually worked, leading to a world where tea and crumpets replaced war negotiations. Alas, we live in the reality where that wasn’t the case.. Fact: Scorn has become a staple in politics. It’s like the seasoning nobody asked for, but somehow it’s always on the menu..
• Headline: $2,660,000,000 Lending Measure Is Offered, and Meets Quick Fire; Foreign Credits Item Omitted, but Critics Assail 'Glorified Pork Barrel,' Its Toll Roads and Powers for President. Impact: This lending measure could have paved the way for future generations to embrace economic policies that prioritize the masses over special interests, but instead, we just ended up with more 'pork barrel' projects. So, good job, everyone.. Fact: When critics call something a 'glorified pork barrel,' I like to think they mean it in the most gourmet sense possible. Who doesn't want fancy pork?.
• Headline: President Weighs Pittsburgh Bid. Impact: If Roosevelt had attended the Pittsburgh bid, it could have sparked the Great American Festival of Awkward Political Gatherings, where politicians awkwardly dance and hope no one mentions the economy.. Fact: Politicians meeting up is just like high school reunions, but with more awkwardness and fewer snacks..
• Headline: MISS COCHRANE SETS MARK; Flies 163 Miles an Hour in Light Plane on Course. Impact: Miss Cochrane's record-setting flight could have inspired a whole generation of women to take to the skies, leading to a future where female pilots are the norm and the phrase 'fly like a girl' is a compliment.. Fact: Flying at 163 miles an hour? That’s like the speed limit for a car on a road trip—except there’s no bathroom breaks in a plane!.