JULY 5, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Birth of James Elliman's Son. Impact: Little did they know, this joyous event would lead to the next generation of Ellimans who would eventually run for local office, sparking a heated debate over the best type of cheese for sandwiches. Fact: It's a little-known fact that the Elliman family is actually related to the invention of the 'son' – you know, the one that all parents are so proud of until they realize they have to pay for college.
• Headline: Columbia University Residence Halls Leadership. Impact: The appointment of this head of residence halls would eventually lead to a series of questionable dorm policies that would haunt college students for decades, including mandatory 'quiet hours' and the infamous 'no guest' rule. Fact: Fun fact: Being appointed head of residence halls is like being elected as the ruler of a small, chaotic country where the currency is pizza and the national pastime is avoiding RAs.
• Headline: Curran Finds Docket Empty. Impact: Curran's discovery of an empty docket would spark a nationwide trend of people claiming to have 'nothing to do' – a movement that would eventually lead to the invention of Netflix binges. Fact: Did you know 'empty docket' is actually legal jargon for 'I forgot to bring my work to the office'?.
• Headline: NAZIS BEAT PRELATE ON AUSTRIAN TOUR; INNITZER QUITS TRIP; Cardinal Attacked With Eggs and Epithets as He Visits Parishes Near Vienna STRUCK ON HEAD BY STICK He Is Called 'Murderer' for Failure to Get Pardons for Slayers of Dollfuss. Impact: This event would lead to the rise of public figures being pelted with food, a trend that would reach its peak with politicians dodging tomatoes during campaign rallies in the 21st century. Fact: They say eggs are a great source of protein – but I'm pretty sure being hit in the head with them is not the way to get your daily intake.
• Headline: A 'DISEASE METER' INVENTED IN SOVIET; Electrical Apparatus Is Said to Aid in the Diagnosis of Cancer and Tuberculosis. Impact: This invention would set off a mad scramble for medical technology that would ultimately lead to the creation of a 'disease meter' app – because who doesn't want a diagnosis from their smartphone?. Fact: Ironically, the only thing this 'disease meter' is good for is diagnosing your friend's questionable life choices.
• Headline: STAND FALLS, 50 INJURED; 1,000 Tossed Into Wreckage at a Pageant at Waukegan, Ill.. Impact: The collapse of the stand would pave the way for strict safety regulations and ultimately the invention of the phrase 'if it ain't safe, don't do it' – a motto that would be ignored by thrill-seekers for generations. Fact: Injuries from collapses are a great reminder that sometimes, being part of a crowd can be a literal pain.
• Headline: HUGE HOUSING UNIT IN RED HOOK OPENED; Mayor Questions U.S. Rule on Tenant Income--Heckled by Group in Audience USHA Ruling Discussed HUGE HOUSING UNIT IN RED HOOK OPENED Opening Day Held Fitting. Impact: The opening of the housing unit would inspire countless debates about urban development and gentrification, leading to the eventual rise of coffee shops in formerly affordable neighborhoods. Fact: In real estate, 'affordable housing' is just code for 'we're not really sure how much you can afford, but we hope it's a lot.'.
• Headline: Released in Garden Melee. Impact: Roth's release from the garden melee would spark a newfound interest in gardening as both a hobby and a competitive sport, leading to the creation of the first-ever 'Garden Olympics.'. Fact: Being freed from a garden melee is essentially the horticultural version of being let out of jail. Plant your roots, folks!.