JUNE 19, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ingre's Artistic Triumph in Paris. Impact: Ingre's rich chase led to the establishment of the world's first luxury car chase event in 1953, where participants now race in gold-plated vehicles while sipping champagne. The irony? They still get stuck in traffic. Fact: Funny enough, the first luxury car chase was a complete disaster. Turns out, gold-plated cars are not the most aerodynamic.
• Headline: Deep-River Living Urged at Cornell. Impact: Dr. Sizoo's sermon inspired an entire generation of students to question their life choices. This led to the rise of the mid-life crisis industry, where people buy sports cars and get tattoos to escape their 'ankle-deep' philosophy. Fact: Coincidentally, the phrase 'ankle-deep philosophy' became a best-selling self-help book, ironically written by an author who was only knee-deep in their own life.
• Headline: Lucille Hochberg to Marry Harold Elishewitz. Impact: Lucille Hochberg's wedding announcement sparked a trend where people now announce their engagements via skywriting, leading to a temporary shortage of airplanes in urban areas. Fact: Skywriting was initially intended for public service announcements. But, as with all things, it just became a way to announce when people 'found the one'... or the next one.
• Headline: DARTMOUTH SENIORS WARNED OF SELF-PITY; Hopkins, in Parting, Exhorts Them to Shun 'Defeatism'. Impact: Hopkins' warnings against self-pity resulted in a national movement against sad music and mopey poetry, leading to the rise of upbeat pop songs that have now caused global earworm epidemics. Fact: The last known case of self-pity was recorded in 1984 when a man wept during a Phil Collins concert. It was considered a national emergency.
• Headline: CONANT COUNSELS LONG-RANGE GOALS; 'Neglect Tumult of Moment' for 'Gradual Development,' He Tells Harvard Seniors SCORNS 'FLAMES AT DOOR' Against Totalitarian Tenet He Puts 'Man's Free Creative Powers' to Shape Future. Impact: Conant's advice to ignore the tumult of the moment led to the creation of a new genre of motivational speakers who mostly just tell you to 'chill out,' while sipping herbal tea. Fact: The phrase 'neglect tumult' has been adopted by procrastinators everywhere as their unofficial motto.
• Headline: DECRIES 'ORATING' OF DAY; Dr. Ledden Addresses Class at Albany Teachers College. Impact: Dr. Ledden's disdain for 'orating' led to the decline of public speaking engagements, resulting in a rise in awkward social gatherings where no one knows what to say. Fact: Public speaking anxiety is now officially recognized as the leading cause of awkward silences at parties.
• Headline: DANIEL F. FARRELL; Former State Legislator and Kings Deputy Register. Impact: Farrell's political career became the catalyst for a series of poorly thought-out political reality shows that are still embarrassing the nation to this day. Fact: Dan Farrell's name is often invoked in modern times when someone makes a bad political decision, almost like a cautionary tale.
• Headline: Study Phone Shopping Service. Impact: The study of phone shopping led to the eventual creation of online shopping, which has now resulted in people spending more time browsing for shoes than actually wearing them. Fact: In 1995, a survey revealed that 87% of people shopping by phone never actually intended to buy anything. They just liked the sound of their own voice.
• Headline: Rabbis Elect E.W. Leipsiger. Impact: E.W. Leipsiger's election led to a global rise in the importance of refugee issues, which later inspired the 2020s trend of 'influencer activism,' where posting a selfie with a refugee was deemed sufficient. Fact: Leipsiger's name has since become synonymous with 'doing the bare minimum' in social activism. Who knew that could be a legacy?.
• Headline: Orphanage Is Dedicated. Impact: The dedication of the Israel Orphan Asylum building inspired a wave of philanthropic orphanages that now compete for Instagram followers, rather than just doing good. Fact: Ironically, the first orphanage dedicated to Instagram likes actually had fewer children than its predecessor, proving that social media popularity does not equate to humanitarian success.