JUNE 2, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Annual Citizenship Day Observance. Impact: This event sparked a nationwide fascination with citizenship ceremonies, leading to a bizarre trend where people started throwing elaborate parties just to celebrate their green cards. Somewhere in the future, a taco truck will be declared a national symbol of immigration.. Fact: Funny how the only thing more complicated than the rights and duties of citizenship is the paperwork to obtain it!.
• Headline: Neil's Widow Ends Sentimental Journey. Impact: The return of Neil's widow marked the beginning of a new genre of heartfelt travel blogs. Future generations would craft entire careers around searching for lost loved ones—cue the next viral sensation, 'Missing Persons & Mediterranean Getaways.'. Fact: Blood transfusions were once seen as a miracle cure. Little did they know, it was just the beginning of a long line of questionable medical practices..
• Headline: Mooney's Grand Arrival Ignites City Excitement. Impact: Mooney's arrival was the catalyst for the 'Welcome Home' banner industry, which would later inspire an entirely unnecessary line of inflatable greeting products. Thanks, Mooney, for making future parties even more awkward.. Fact: Fifteen thousand cheering fans is impressive, but just imagine how many more would show up if there was free pizza involved..
• Headline: SUGAR MAN ADMITS THEFT OF $63,000; C.G. Carcia of a Wealthy Cuban Family Pleads Guilty to 'Kiting' storage Receipts $1,070,427 HELD INVOLVED Eight Grand Larceny Counts in Indictment--Restitution Plan Considered. Impact: Garcia’s theft led to stricter regulations in the sugar industry, which inadvertently caused an increase in the popularity of artificial sweeteners. The future would be filled with bizarre sugar alternatives—thank you, Garcia!. Fact: It's amazing how stealing $63,000 could lead to a lifetime supply of bad decisions. Talk about a sugar rush!.
• Headline: British Submarine Sinks; Found Partly Submerged; TYPE OF BRITISH SUBMARINE THAT WENT DOWN DURING TRIAL. Impact: The sinking of Thetis inspired a series of unfortunate submarine designs, leading to the phrase 'not all submarines are created equal.' In the future, this would become a popular meme format.. Fact: Submarines are supposed to float, not sink. It's like a boat that forgot its job description..
• Headline: TEACHER FIRST JUNE BRIDE; Weds Journalist in Ceremony Performed by City Clerk. Impact: This wedding marked the beginning of the 'June Bride' phenomenon, which would later evolve into a multi-billion dollar wedding industry that thrives on the dreams of brides and the wallets of their families. Cheers to capitalism!. Fact: Isn't it romantic that weddings are the only time people willingly spend a fortune to get stressed out about their future?.
• Headline: J.P. MORGAN GARDEN GAINS FIRST PRIZE; Display of Tulips Judged Best at the Exposition. Impact: J.P. Morgan's tulip display would go on to inspire a fascination with horticulture, leading to a bizarre future where people would have tulip competitions worldwide—because nothing says 'nature' like a competitive flower-off.. Fact: Winning a horticultural competition is like winning the lottery, except instead of money, you get a bunch of flowers and the smug satisfaction of being superior to your neighbors..
• Headline: Woman Acting City Manager. Impact: The appointment of a woman as acting city manager was a small step forward that would eventually spark a nationwide movement for female representation in politics. Future generations would look back and wonder why it took so long to figure this out.. Fact: Just think, it only took a hundred years of fighting for women's rights to get a temporary position in government. Progress, right?.
• Headline: MANTON ON STAND DENIES ALL CHARGES, ADMITS GAIN OF $1,250,000 IN A YEAR; HE UPHOLDS DEALS Admits He Got Loans Through Spector but Sees No Impropriety BORROWED FROM FALLON $500,000 in Debt in June, '34, but States His 'Net Worth' Was $750,000 in May, '35. Impact: Manton's testimony was the beginning of a long-standing tradition of politicians denying wrongdoing while simultaneously profiting wildly from questionable deals. This trend would lead to the rise of the phrase 'business as usual.'. Fact: Admitting a $1,250,000 gain while denying charges is like claiming no calories in a double chocolate cake—everyone knows the truth!.