JUNE 1, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: LaGuardia Awards Hero Medals Today. Impact: The posthumous awards ceremony sparked a secret underground movement where future generations of heroes began competing for medals, regardless of whether they actually did anything heroic or not. This eventually led to the creation of a reality show where contestants perform increasingly ridiculous acts to win imaginary medals.. Fact: Did you know that medals were originally made for the living? But hey, if you can’t win them in life, why not posthumously get a shiny piece of metal?.
• Headline: French Citizens Reject Gas Mask Fee. Impact: The gas mask return sparked a fashion trend in Paris where returning items became the new norm, eventually leading to the rise of the 'return-culture' where people returned everything from shoes to relationships, claiming they were just 'not for them'.. Fact: Did you know that the French have an exceptional talent for returning things? If only they could return bad ideas as easily!.
• Headline: DANES AND REICH SIGN NON-AGGRESSION PACT; Berlin Hints Provision Is Made to Settle Land Disputes. Impact: The non-aggression pact was so effective that it inspired a whole genre of romantic comedies where two nations pretend to like each other while actually plotting against one another. Hollywood is still trying to capture that magic.. Fact: Did you know that non-aggression pacts are like awkward first dates? Everyone's pretending to be nice while secretly planning the next move..
• Headline: DENIES IMPERIALISTIC AIM; Chilean Government Paper Says Arming Is for Defense. Impact: Chile’s denial of imperialistic aims set off a wave of defensive posturing across the globe, leading to a new trend in international relations where countries started to insist that their military buildups were just 'for fun'. Honestly, who doesn’t love a little show of force?. Fact: Did you know that claiming to be defensive is like saying you bought a muscle car for fuel efficiency? We all know the real reason!.
• Headline: CHINA IS SKEPTICAL OF MONGOL BATTLE; Officials See a Japanese Move to Warn Britain of Weakness of Soviet War Machine CLASH IS LAID TO NOMADS Tokyo Now Reports 59 Planes Were Shot Down by Force on Manchukuoan Border. Impact: China's skepticism of the Mongol battle led to an ancient tradition of passive-aggressive comments during international meetings, paving the way for future diplomatic relations filled with sarcasm and veiled insults.. Fact: Did you know that skepticism is just another way of saying, 'I don’t believe you but I’ll pretend to listen'? It’s an art form, really..
• Headline: CALL UNITED STATES THE ALLY OF JAPAN; Presbyterians at Cleveland See a 'Partnership in Aggression'. Impact: The Presbyterian declaration about the U.S. being an 'ally of Japan' inadvertently inspired a new trend in church services where congregations debated the morality of their country’s alliances, eventually leading to a monthly 'Political Sermon Sunday'.. Fact: Did you know that calling out your own country in church can lead to some very uncomfortable potluck discussions? Bring your own casserole, just in case!.
• Headline: China Plans to Purchase Buffalo Truck Factory. Impact: China's plan to purchase a truck factory led to a global obsession with importing and exporting goods, which later morphed into the infamous 'shipping container craze' where everyone suddenly thought they could become a logistics mogul.. Fact: Did you know that buying a truck factory is kind of like buying a pet? You think it’s going to be great until you realize it’s a lot of work and requires a lot of maintenance!.
• Headline: REGULATE CARS IN CHILE; Santiago Officials Adopt Drastic Transport Control Measures. Impact: The drastic transport control measures in Chile sparked a worldwide trend of cities adopting ridiculous regulations that only serve to confuse commuters, eventually leading to the creation of a secret society dedicated to understanding public transport schedules.. Fact: Did you know that regulating cars in cities is like herding cats? Good luck getting everyone to follow the rules!.