MAY 28, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Chinese Celebration for King’s Visit. Impact: This celebration was probably the moment Vancouver decided to become the hipster capital of Canada, where street dancing evolved into interpretive dance-offs and artisanal food festivals. The ripple effect? The rise of overpriced avocado toast.. Fact: Did you know that street dancing was actually a clever way to distract the masses from the fact that they forgot to invite the King to their actual party?.
• Headline: alumni society membership surge. Impact: With nearly 700 applications, the alumni society must have inadvertently started the trend of people attending their college reunions just to show off their latest life accomplishments—or lack thereof. Thanks for the pressure, guys.. Fact: Did you know that alumni associations have a secret handbook on how to guilt-trip members into donating? It’s like a never-ending high school reunion, but with more awkward small talk..
• Headline: AXIS WILL DEVELOP UNIFIED AIR FORCE; German and Italian Producers Will Turn Out Same Sizes, Calibers and Speeds PILOTS CAN CHANGE EASILY Rome Newspapers Assail Plan for Hatay, Report That Spain Will Join the Alliance To Get Raw Material Supposed Moslem Alarm Technicians to Meet Economic Talks Held With Reich. Impact: The formation of a unified air force might have inspired every sci-fi writer to dream up a future where we all fly around in jetpacks, clearly ignoring the fact that we can't even agree on which way to walk down the street.. Fact: Did you know that the idea of a unified air force sounds great until you realize it also means sharing the sky with your least favorite neighbor’s drone?.
• Headline: AIR STAMP OF SARABIA; Item Brings Protests in Mexico and High Price In Sales Here. Impact: This stamp brought protests? Imagine how different the world would be if all commemorative items sparked international debates. Coffee mugs would be the next cause of World War III.. Fact: Did you know that stamps used to be a symbol of rebellion? Now they’re just a way for you to confuse your friends when sending postcards..
• Headline: 'HOT DOGS' NOT NEW TO KING, SAYS LINDSAY; Their Majesties Know Them by a Different Name, It Seems. Impact: If this royal hot dog revelation didn’t happen, we might still be calling hot dogs 'mystery meat tubes' and never experiencing the joy of ballpark cuisine. Truly a culinary butterfly effect.. Fact: Did you know that the British royal family has a long history of quirky food names? Apparently, they think they’re too posh for 'hot dogs.'.
• Headline: Ohio Gas Rate Inquiry Asked. Impact: The gas inquiry might have been the first step towards Ohio's eventual status as the center of the universe for mundane complaints. Now, everyone knows that the most exciting thing to happen there is a fuel rate investigation.. Fact: Did you know that asking for a gas rate inquiry is basically the adult version of asking your parents for a sleepover? It’s a cry for help disguised as bureaucracy..
• Headline: Legion Sets Ochs Memorial. Impact: The memorial service might have set a precedent for all future memorials, where we now gather to remember the greats and the not-so-greats, ensuring that no one forgets the legacy of those who got stuck in a cheese-related incident.. Fact: Did you know that memorial services used to involve actual physical monuments? Now it’s mostly just a Facebook event..
• Headline: Zog's Gold Plate Seized; Camouflaged as Cheese. Impact: The seizure of Zog's gold plate has likely led to a generational obsession with hiding valuables in the most ridiculous places possible. Next time you find cheese, check for hidden treasures!. Fact: Did you know that hiding gold in cheese is a brilliant tactic? If only Zog had added a side of crackers, he could have had the perfect getaway snack..