APRIL 28, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tax Cuts Amidst Growing Protests. Impact: The tax cuts led to a nationwide financial panic, as people suddenly had more money to spend on unnecessary gadgets. This led to the creation of the modern obsession with consumerism, ultimately resulting in the rise of reality TV shows focused on 'extreme couponing.'. Fact: Cutting taxes is often viewed as a way to stimulate the economy. Too bad this theory doesn’t include a plan for how to deal with the inevitable shopping spree that follows!.
• Headline: Republican Women Re-elect Club President. Impact: The re-election of the President by Republican Women sparked a chain reaction where women everywhere suddenly realized they have the power to influence politics, leading to the first Women's March... in 2090.. Fact: Being re-elected by a women’s club is like winning a gold medal in the 'not-so-important' Olympics. Congrats?.
• Headline: Red Cross Calls for Bombing Restraint. Impact: The Red Cross's call to curb bombing resulted in a series of awkward diplomatic dinners where everyone just stared at their plates, leading to the invention of the 'silent treatment' as a negotiation tactic.. Fact: The Red Cross's motto is 'With us, you won't die alone!' I guess they just wanted to keep it classy even in times of war..
• Headline: VOTES BAN ON BERGDOLL; House Committee Moves to Bar Draft Dodger's Return. Impact: Banning a draft dodger like Bergdoll led to a slew of conspiracy theories about secret underground networks of draft dodgers, which ultimately inspired the plot for the next big blockbuster movie. Spoiler alert: it flopped.. Fact: Draft dodging has been around since the invention of the draft itself. Some people just really don’t want to share their snacks..
• Headline: Lehman's and Moffat's Views on Republican Budget Plan. Impact: The debate over the Republican budget plan led to the creation of a secret society of accountants who met in basements to discuss how to spend money wisely, a concept that clearly never caught on.. Fact: Budget meetings are the adult version of school assemblies—long, boring, and everyone secretly wishes they could just go home..
• Headline: JAPANESE REINFORCE NORTH CHINA FRONTS; A Major Chinese Offensive Is Expected Early in May. Impact: Japanese reinforcements in North China set the stage for the Great Asian Game of 'who can outlast who', ultimately resulting in a series of epic, yet historically insignificant, standoffs over tea.. Fact: The phrase 'reinforcements' sounds like a fancy way of saying 'we're bringing in the backup dancers for this geopolitical dance party.'.
• Headline: 3 WIDOWS ARE HELD IN 'RING' MURDERS; Magistrate Denounces Them and Man as 'Conscienceless, Wholesale' Killers WARRANT FOR 'THE RABBI' Valenti, in Penitentiary Here, Is Another of a Quartet Wanted in Philadelphia. Impact: The 'Ring' murders became a sensational case that inspired countless true crime podcasts, leading to a boom in amateur sleuths with way too much time on their hands and a serious lack of sleep.. Fact: Murder mysteries are the adult version of puzzle-solving—except in this case, the prize is possibly a life sentence instead of a trophy..
• Headline: 200 Child Patients at Fair Show. Impact: The showing of 200 child patients at the World's Fair led to the invention of 'kid-friendly' events that ultimately resulted in the rise of inflatable obstacle courses at every birthday party since.. Fact: Nothing brings joy to sick children quite like a fair. It's like Disneyland, but with more germs and less magic..
• Headline: Football Trial Verdict Ordered. Impact: The sealed verdict in the football trial created a ripple effect that led to the rise of sports conspiracy theories, where fans now believe every game is rigged by a secret society of referees and team owners.. Fact: Sealed verdicts are the legal equivalent of a 'to be continued' cliffhanger. Everyone knows the truth will eventually come out, but the suspense is just too delicious!.