APRIL 26, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Statue Honors Press Freedom at Fair. Impact: The dedication of the Freedom of Press statue inspires a group of rogue journalists to invent the first Twitter-like platform, where news is delivered in 140 characters or less—triggering a worldwide obsession with brevity and hashtags.. Fact: Before Twitter, journalists actually had to write entire sentences. Imagine the horror!.
• Headline: ALBANY RESOLUTION BACKS REFUGEE BILL; Desmond Urges Memorializing Congress on Child Measure. Impact: This resolution to back a refugee bill inadvertently leads to a competition among politicians to see who can show the most 'compassion,' resulting in a bizarre trend of politicians adopting pet refugees—think of the photo ops!. Fact: Did you know that adopting a refugee pet is now a must-have accessory for any aspiring politician?.
• Headline: Denies Chilean Cabinet Changes. Impact: The denial of cabinet changes leads to a series of political rants that eventually spark the invention of the 'political meme,' causing chaos in future elections.. Fact: If only they had embraced change, we might now have a cabinet full of cats instead!.
• Headline: MORE FLEXIBILITY IN COLLEGES URGED; Dean Hawkes Warns Against Conformity That May Ruin Education of a Boy REGISTRARS HEAR VIEWS 'Unimaginative' Official's Day Is Over, Dr. Graves Tells 350 Delegates Dr. Chase Welcomes Guests Deplores Number of Failures. Impact: The plea for flexibility in colleges accidentally spurs a movement that leads to the creation of online universities—where students can attend classes in their pajamas without any risk of failure.. Fact: In the future, 'flexibility' will be synonymous with 'not getting out of bed.'.
• Headline: Independent Store Sales Up 5%. Impact: The 5% sales increase for independent stores leads to a secret meeting of major corporations plotting to undermine the little guy, which ironically makes them even more popular—thanks for the free marketing!. Fact: Independent stores are the original hipsters; they were cool before it was cool to be cool..
• Headline: KUHN LIKE A LAMB AS LIONS QUARREL; Bund Head Makes Excuse for Official Who Threatened to Throw Him Out of Club GIVES UNOFFICIAL ADDRESS District Governor, Unable to Cancel Brooklyn Meeting, Leaves It in a Huff. Impact: The quarrel at the club sets off a series of events where every subsequent meeting becomes a reality show, leading to the rise of 'political drama' as a new genre on television.. Fact: Imagine if reality TV had existed back then—'Keeping Up with the Cabinet Changes' would have been a hit!.