APRIL 22, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Julian Thompson: Treasurer and Author. Impact: Julian Thompson's untimely death left a gaping hole in the McKesson firm, which somehow led to the creation of a new line of pharmaceuticals that cure every ailment known to man—except for the common cold, of course. Fact: Did you know that 'Warrior's Husband' was actually a hit? It’s what every man needed to read to understand the complexities of relationships, or so they thought in 1932.
• Headline: Skinner Re-Elected in Actor's Guild. Impact: Skinner's re-election as the Episcopal Actors' Guild president meant that theatrical talent from the church would continue to flow, leading to an unexpected surge in religious-themed Broadway musicals that would have you questioning your faith and your taste in entertainment. Fact: Did you know that the Episcopal Actors' Guild has more drama than most reality TV shows? They’re basically the Kardashians of the religious world.
• Headline: HARVARD CRUSHES PRINCETON, 7 TO 0; Gains Second League Victory by Upsetting Tigers in Their Circuit Debut Williams 8, Middlebury 3. Impact: Harvard crushing Princeton was a pivotal moment that inspired countless college students to adopt the mantra 'it's not about winning, it's about how you look while losing,' a philosophy that still haunts campuses to this day. Fact: Did you know that Harvard's victory celebration involved a literal crushing of Princeton's hopes and dreams—no actual tigers were harmed in the making of this game, though.
• Headline: House Plan Luncheon Today. Impact: The House Plan luncheon was the start of a tradition that eventually evolved into the modern-day brunch, where people discuss everything but the actual house plan, leading to the rise of avocado toast as a breakfast staple. Fact: Did you know that 'House Plan Luncheon' sounds like the title of a subpar reality show? Tune in for drama, awkward silences, and questionable menu choices!.
• Headline: SEGAL CHOSEN AS RABBI; Associate at B'nai Jeshurun to Go to Mount Neboh. Impact: Rev S. M. Segal's election as rabbi led to a series of enlightening sermons that inspired a generation to reconsider their life choices, paving the way for some very awkward family dinners in the years to come. Fact: Did you know that the rabbi's wisdom can be both enlightening and the reason why you have to sit through two-hour discussions about kugel? It’s a mixed bag.
• Headline: NEW COMET MOVING AWAY; Hassel's, Discovered Tuesday, Is Leaving Earth, Harvard Says. Impact: Hassel's comet leaving Earth was the celestial equivalent of breaking up with someone who just wouldn't stop texting. It led humanity to look up to the stars and realize there were far more interesting things than human drama—like, you know, actual cosmic phenomena. Fact: Did you know comets are basically the universe's way of saying, 'Hey, I'm leaving, but I’ll be back later—try not to miss me too much!'.
• Headline: Soviet Would Include Far Last In an Anti-Aggression Alliance; Suggests Anglo-French-Russian Entente That Would Put Japan in Bloc With Germany and Italy-Maisky in Moscow. Impact: The Soviet proposal for an anti-aggression alliance set the stage for decades of convoluted diplomatic relations, eventually leading to a global game of chess where the pieces were actually just a bunch of countries awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact. Fact: Did you know that the term 'anti-aggression' sounds like a really intense yoga class? Bring your mat, and remember: peaceful negotiations over petty squabbles!.
• Headline: LIBERAL TRADITION STRESSED AT DUKE; Sir William Bragg of London Says Peace Is Related to Free Exchange of Ideas. Impact: Bragg's stress on liberal tradition at Duke was the tipping point that encouraged universities to host debates where everyone pretends to listen, while secretly scrolling through their phones. The essence of higher education, folks!. Fact: Did you know that Sir William Bragg once tried to teach a class on quantum physics through interpretive dance? Spoiler: it did not end well.