APRIL 7, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Engagement of Frances Weir Announced. Impact: The engagement of Frances Weir results in a series of unfortunate fishing accidents, as the future bridesmaid accidentally hooks the family fortune. This ultimately leads to the invention of underwater wedding receptions.. Fact: Being an angler is a fancy way of saying you’re good at waiting for fish to get confused. What a skill!.
• Headline: Club Supports Simpson's Re-Election. Impact: Simpson's re-election campaign becomes a case study in political mediocrity, inspiring an entire generation of politicians to aim for the lowest common denominator – which they achieve with flying colors.. Fact: The Liberty Club sounds like the kind of place where everyone agrees to disagree over lukewarm coffee and stale donuts..
• Headline: 'BRITISH DEW' ENDS WHALEN'S 'ROMEO'; Fair's Merrie England Village Dedicated Without Aid of Black Tights and Jerkin CREEK IS RENAMED 'AVON' British Consul General Casts Stratford Soil on Boards-- Polish Fair Head Here Sprinkles Soil of Stratford Several Actors Take Part Polish Commissioner Arrives. Impact: The renaming of the creek to 'Avon' sparks a renaissance of Shakespearean-themed water sports, leading to a resurgence of interest in Elizabethan fashion and an alarming number of people dressed as fairies.. Fact: Thank goodness they didn't try to name it 'The Bard's Stream'—that would have really taken the wind out of the merriment sails!.
• Headline: OTHER CORPORATE REPORTS; CONSOLIDATED OIL CLEARS $7,737,712. Impact: Consolidated Oil's hefty profit leads to a decade-long oil baron rivalry, causing the invention of oil-scented perfumes that become a fad among the elite—because who doesn’t want to smell like a refinery?. Fact: If only oil executives spent as much time on green energy as they do on lining their pockets—what a world we could live in!.
• Headline: Last Burial in Boston Tomb. Impact: Mrs. Hutchinson's burial marks the end of an era, leading to a quiet conspiracy theory that her tomb holds the secrets to eternal life—because nothing says 'immortality' quite like a dusty old grave.. Fact: Fun fact: the last burial in Boston tombs is a lot like the last slice of pizza—everyone wants it, but no one wants to talk about it..
• Headline: APPEALS FOR HOSPITALS; Dr. G.H. Agnew Urges Adequate Support for Institutions. Impact: Dr. Agnew's call for hospital support leads to the rise of the 'State Care Conspiracy,' where citizens believe hospitals are secretly run by a cabal of rogue doctors plotting to take over the world, leading to a boom in conspiracy podcasts.. Fact: Who knew that adequate support for hospitals could lead to a new genre of entertainment? Thank you, Dr. Agnew, for the next true crime hit!.
• Headline: BATTLE IN SENATE BARS QUICK ACTION ON NEW WPA FUND; Pepper and Mead Lead Attack and Good Friday Session Is Set to Push Passage CUT 'SLAPPED PRESIDENT' Florida Senator Also Calls It Bar to Recovery--Mayor Sees Drop of 65,000 Here Adams Says Rolls Were Padded Opposes Burden on Cities SENATE FIGHT SNAGS RELIEF AGREEMENT Burke Raises Debt Issue. Impact: The Senate battle over WPA funding causes a rift so deep that future Congress members take up knitting to cope with the stress, inadvertently creating a new bipartisan knitting club.. Fact: If only Congress could fight over something productive, like who can knit the fastest—maybe then we'd get something done!.
• Headline: CONTEST AT HOBBY SHOW; Dr. Albrecht Buschke Has Chess Exhibit Here for First Time. Impact: The chess exhibit becomes a sensation, causing a dramatic spike in chess-related injuries as people take the game way too seriously, leading to the first ever Chess Olympics in 2028.. Fact: Nothing screams excitement like watching two people stare at a board for hours—thank goodness for the thrill of competitive chess!.