APRIL 1, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Theatre Group Hosts Dance Event. Impact: The decision to stage a dance led to a cultural renaissance, resulting in the rise of interpretive dance as a valid form of self-expression. It ultimately caused a chain reaction that led to countless awkward high school dances in the future.. Fact: Did you know that the awkwardness of school dances has been scientifically proven to correlate with the amount of hairspray used by attendees?.
• Headline: Goldfish Gulpers Risk Anemia. Impact: The warning about anemia caused a spike in goldfish sales, which in turn led to a nationwide obsession with pet goldfish. This obsession eventually resulted in the creation of the first underwater fitness program for goldfish. Because why not?. Fact: Did you know that goldfish have a memory span of about three months? So if you tell them they're going to be in a fitness program, they might forget before they even get to the gym..
• Headline: Indians Announce Night Games Schedule. Impact: Listing night games led to the invention of the glow-in-the-dark baseball, which was later used in a failed attempt to make baseball more exciting for the night owl demographic. Spoiler: it didn't work.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'under the lights' has been used more in sports commentary than in actual discussions about lighting design?.
• Headline: REISELT TRIUMPHS TWICE; Tops Layton, 50-48 and 50-39, in Three-Cushion Play STANDING OF THE PLAYERS. Impact: Reiselt's triumphs ignited a competitive spirit in the realm of three-cushion billiards, leading to the formation of secret clubs where players would hone their skills while wearing disguises. The Black Tie Billiard Society was born.. Fact: Did you know that three-cushion billiards is often considered the most sophisticated of all billiard games? Which might explain why it has a total of three fans worldwide..
• Headline: $4,800 in Cigarettes Stolen. Impact: The theft of those cigarettes sparked a wave of underground smuggling operations, leading to a black market that fueled the rise of organized crime. Who knew a pack of smokes could bring about the mafia's comeback?. Fact: Did you know that if you stacked all the stolen cigarettes from this heist, they would probably reach a height that would give an average smoker a nosebleed?.
• Headline: KEYSER AIDED HOSPITALS; Business Man Left Bequests to Fund and Society. Impact: Keyser’s bequest led to a significant improvement in hospital funding, which inadvertently resulted in the invention of the 'VIP patient' experience—complete with gold-plated bedpans.. Fact: Did you know that hospitals have been known to charge for things like band-aids? Because apparently, they are made from unicorn tears..
• Headline: COMPSTON TIES COTTON; Marks Comeback With Total of 292 in British Golf. Impact: Compston's tie with Cotton reignited interest in golf, leading to a surge in amateur tournaments. This eventually resulted in golf being played in places that definitely didn't need more golf courses, like deserts.. Fact: Did you know that golf is the only sport where you can make a hole-in-one and still not win? Because life is unfair, even on the green..
• Headline: MARKHAM REACHES FINAL; Beats Cutts, 18-14, 9-15, 15-6, in Canadian Open Badminton. Impact: Markham's victory in badminton made it trendy to play the sport in local parks, leading to an explosion of 'badminton parties'—which are exactly as awkward as they sound.. Fact: Did you know badminton is one of the few sports where you can be both incredibly athletic and still look like a confused chicken? It's a real talent..