MARCH 31, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Barton Addresses 107th Regiment Veterans. Impact: Barton’s motivational speech inadvertently inspired a new era of motivational speakers, leading to the rise of countless self-help gurus who now thrive on Instagram. Thanks, Barton, for the endless ‘live, laugh, love’ posts!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'guardsman' was later used to describe anyone who guards a snack table at parties? True story..
• Headline: HERBERT R. HYMAN, 49, CONDE NAST OFFICIAL; Promotion Manager for the Publishing Organization. Impact: Hyman’s role at Conde Nast influenced the future of magazine promotions, inadvertently leading to the rise of clickbait titles and the eventual downfall of intellectual discourse in print media. Thanks a lot, Herbert.. Fact: Herbert could have been a stand-up comedian, but instead, he chose to make people laugh through magazine ads. How noble!.
• Headline: 2 DEPUTY SHERIFFS DIE IN BRONX CRASH; Pinned Under Queens Prison Van as It Overturns After Colliding With an Auto FOUR IN PRIVATE CAR HURT Only One of Six Prisoners, on Way to Sing Sing After Rape Conviction, Is Injured Those Who Were Injured Driver of Auto Questioned. Impact: The tragic loss of the deputies led to stricter safety regulations for prison transport, ultimately shaping modern law enforcement practices. Their sacrifice was not in vain.. Fact: The irony here is that while the deputies were enforcing the law, they became part of a cautionary tale about the unpredictable nature of driving..
• Headline: EMIL LISSNER; Public Utility Firm's Lynbrook Manager Long With Company. Impact: Lissner’s long tenure at the utility firm set a benchmark for loyalty, inspiring future employees to endure endless meetings about ‘synergy’ and ‘optimization’ in the hope of one day being remembered as fondly. Spoiler: they won’t be.. Fact: Emil had a secret passion for interpretive dance, but his coworkers were far too busy discussing quarterly reports to notice..
• Headline: Legislature Is Asked to Protect Goldfish As M.I.T. Student Wins Title With 42 Gulps. Impact: The absurdity of goldfish protection laws eventually led to the establishment of a new field in law: aquatic rights, where lawyers now battle over whether fish can truly consent to be in bowls. Welcome to the future!. Fact: The goldfish, in its quest for freedom, became the unofficial mascot of the ‘save our pets’ movement, leading to a spike in pet goldfish adoption rates. Who knew they were so popular?.
• Headline: 2 HURT IN BOWERY BLAZE; Both Are Firemen, One of Whom Is Seriously Injured. Impact: The blaze underscored the dangers firefighters face daily, leading to an increase in funding for fire department safety gear. Their bravery continues to inspire new generations.. Fact: Firefighters are like superheroes, except their capes are made of flame-retardant material—talk about practical fashion!.
• Headline: Douglas Confirmation Put Off. Impact: The delay in Douglas's confirmation left a power vacuum, resulting in a series of chaotic decision-making sessions that ultimately shaped the future governance structure (or lack thereof). Thanks for nothing, Douglas.. Fact: Rumor has it that every time a confirmation is postponed, an angel loses its wings. So, yeah, you might want to speed that up..