MARCH 22, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Murphy Triumphs in Irvington Election. Impact: Murphy's victory led to a surge in local democratic activism, causing a chain reaction that eventually led to irate citizens forming a neighborhood watch group that obsessed over lawn gnomes.. Fact: In political fights, sometimes the real winner is the guy who goes home to watch cat videos instead..
• Headline: Rye City Secession Victory. Impact: The re-election of secessionist officials sparked a trend of small towns everywhere believing they could just up and leave whenever they felt like it, resulting in a nationwide game of 'Who Wants to Secede?'. Fact: In the grand scheme of things, secession is just politics' way of saying 'I need some space.'.
• Headline: Dewey's Popularity Surge After Hines Trial. Impact: Dewey’s polling surge inadvertently led to the creation of countless political consultants who now make a living off predicting which trial will make a candidate popular next. Spoiler alert: It’s usually not pretty.. Fact: Polls are like fortune tellers, except they charge money and are often wrong..
• Headline: Women Dies Here in Home She Lived In 76 Years. Impact: The passing of Eliz Plumer marked the end of an era for the community, leading to a renewed appreciation of the elderly and a sudden spike in bingo nights.. Fact: Living in one place for 76 years is impressive—unless it’s a terrible sitcom set; then it’s just tragic..
• Headline: MILLIONS IN CHINA WANDER HOMELESS; Those Who Have Reached West Fortunate--Japanese Are Conscripting Labor RECLAMATION DIFFICULT Government Is Carrying Out a Back-to-the-Land Policy at Surprisingly Low Cost. Impact: The plight of the homeless in China led to global awareness and increased humanitarian efforts, although it also inspired a series of poorly thought-out reality shows about 'surviving in the wild' that nobody asked for.. Fact: When governments go 'back to the land,' they often forget that land doesn't come with Wi-Fi..
• Headline: URUGUAY PARLEY CURBED BY POLICE; Threats to Close It Made if Any Government Is Again Discussed by Delegates ACT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS Congress of Democracies Must Hold Its Most Important Sessions Secretly. Impact: The secrecy of the parley led to the rise of conspiracy theories about what really happened behind closed doors, resulting in a generation of amateur sleuths convinced they were the next great detectives.. Fact: Closed-door meetings are essentially the adult version of a secret club where the only rule is you can’t talk about it—unless you’re a conspiracy theorist..
• Headline: Hawks Ask Waivers on Six. Impact: The request for waivers led to a long-standing tradition of sports teams trying to negotiate their way out of contracts, paving the way for future players to become expert negotiators and part-time lawyers.. Fact: Asking for waivers is just a fancy way of saying, 'Can we pretend this never happened?'.
• Headline: ECONOMY FORCES MAKE RELIEF GAINS; House Group Defeats Efforts of Leaders to Restrict Cut in Fund to $25,000,000 BANKHEAD URGES LOYALTY He and Rayburn Hold Session of Democratic Members of Appropriations Committee. Impact: This economic maneuvering led to the birth of financial jargon that only makes sense to people wearing suits and sipping overpriced coffee, causing a divide between the 'informed' and the 'rest of us.'. Fact: In politics, 'relief gains' often means 'we found some spare change in the couch cushions.'.
• Headline: Text of the Neutrality Bill Introduced by Senator Pittman in the Senate; JOINT RESOLUTION. Impact: Pittman’s neutrality bill inspired future politicians to think that 'neutrality' means getting involved without getting their hands dirty, leading to a lot of confused voters and even more confused political science majors.. Fact: Neutrality in politics is like being a vegetarian at a barbecue—everyone still expects you to take a side..
• Headline: $15,000 Unclaimed in Bank. Impact: The discovery of unclaimed funds made people question how many other hidden treasures were lurking in banks, leading to a nationwide treasure hunt that only ended in disappointment and a lot of awkward conversations with bank tellers.. Fact: Unclaimed money is just the universe's way of reminding you to check your couch cushions more often..