MARCH 8, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Toward a Balanced Budget Initiative. Impact: The balanced budget talk sparked a nationwide obsession with fiscal responsibility, leading to countless memes about 'adulting' and a generation of accountants who just wanted to be loved.. Fact: It's ironic that while everyone was worried about budgets, we still managed to spend a fortune on avocado toast..
• Headline: WPA Jokes Banned by Actors' Federation. Impact: Banning WPA jokes created a comedic black hole, leading to the rise of interpretive dance as the preferred method of expressing frustration with government funding.. Fact: In a parallel universe, WPA jokes became the foundation of a wildly successful sitcom starring a bunch of relief workers..
• Headline: UAW's 1939 Independent Union Movement. Impact: The formation of an independent union for Martin inadvertently strengthened the power of auto workers, leading to a bizarre future where cars could negotiate their own wages.. Fact: If cars could talk, they would probably demand a raise for all the times they've been stuck in traffic..
• Headline: THE DAY IN ALBANY. Impact: Killing the inspection bill led to a series of unfortunate events where 'blind faith' became the new standard for safety protocols, resulting in a dramatic increase in 'trust falls' at work.. Fact: Trust falls are great—until someone decides to take a nap instead of catching you..
• Headline: French Fleet Off for Exercises. Impact: The Atlantic fleet's exercises inadvertently inspired a future generation of naval officers who thought of themselves as both soldiers and reality TV stars, leading to epic battles for the top bunk.. Fact: In naval terms, 'exercises' means something very different than what you'd find at a yoga class..
• Headline: WAVE OF ECONOMY KILLS STATE BILLS; BUDGET CUT NOW UP; Assembly Committee Throws Out Series of Measures Increasing Expenses HOUSING DELAY IS ASKED Deferment for Year of All Subsidies Is Sought to Avoid Tax Rise. Impact: By cutting state bills, the Assembly committee set off a chain reaction of budget cuts that eventually led to a national shortage of public restrooms and an explosion of DIY bathroom projects.. Fact: DIY bathroom projects are like relationship advice: often well-intentioned, but usually a disaster waiting to happen..
• Headline: FRANK W. STEARNS. Impact: Frank W. Stearns' mention in the headlines led to a mysterious cult of Stearns enthusiasts who believe he holds the secrets to eternal budgeting life.. Fact: Frank W. Stearns might not have the answers, but he definitely has the funniest name in budgeting history..
• Headline: WINK AND SMILE FROM AGRICULTURE SECRETARY. Impact: The Agriculture Secretary's playful opposition to an excise tax on oils led to a future where cooking oil became the new currency, ultimately resulting in a 'Grease Olympics'.. Fact: In a strange twist of fate, we now have a national holiday dedicated to oil, and no one knows why..
• Headline: DOG UPSETS MATCHES AND STARTS A FIRE; Prankish Animal Will Lose Home as a Result. Impact: The dog incident became a pivotal point in history, leading to the establishment of the first-ever canine firefighter academy, where dogs finally took their rightful place as heroes.. Fact: This incident also sparked a debate about the responsibilities of pet ownership, because clearly, dogs cannot be trusted with matches..