FEBRUARY 26, 1939

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lillian Hellman's Impactful Drama Premieres. Impact: Miss Bankhead's play inspired a generation of actors to embrace rugged individualism, leading to a bizarre trend of people attempting to live in the wilderness with nothing but a can of beans and a smartphone for selfies. Fact: Lillian Hellman once said, 'The writer's job is to make a mess of things,' which is ironic considering some of her plays were a lot cleaner than her personal life.
• Headline: The Academy Convenes: 1939 Edition. Impact: The Academy's convening led to an annual tradition of people pretending to care about films they haven't seen, ultimately resulting in the rise of the phrase 'I loved that movie!' echoing in art houses and living rooms across the nation. Fact: The Academy has been convening for so long, some believe they've forgotten what a real film looks like.
• Headline: Miss Berg Wins South Atlantic Golf Championship. Impact: Miss Berg's victory over Miss Irwin sparked an unprecedented surge in women's golf leagues, inadvertently causing a chain reaction that led to the invention of the golf cart—because why walk when you can ride in style?. Fact: Golf was once considered a sport for the elite, until someone decided it was a good idea to combine it with cocktails and a leisurely pace.
• Headline: Opposes Census Building Plan. Impact: The opposition to the Census Building Plan resulted in a prolonged debate over the value of counting things, ultimately leading to the modern-day phenomenon of Twitter polls, where counting opinions became far more important than counting people. Fact: The Board of Governors probably opposed the building because they thought it would ruin their view of the parking lot.
• Headline: CITES NEW METHOD IN STEEL WELDING; Report Explains Novel Design Factors in Dormitory at Stanford University. Impact: The new method in steel welding led to the construction of increasingly complex buildings, eventually resulting in the creation of the world's most confusing modern art structures, proving that sometimes a strong weld is all it takes to make a statement. Fact: Stanford's dormitories are now so sturdy, they could survive a zombie apocalypse—if only they could survive the students living in them.
• Headline: OIL BOOM IN IOWA TO BE PUT TO TEST; So Far It Is All on Paper, but Buyers of Leases Talk of Drilling in April GEOLOGISTS ARE AT ODDS. Impact: The Iowa oil boom, which was more about talk than action, caused an influx of hopeful dreamers, giving rise to the phrase 'the only thing hotter than oil is the imagination of an Iowan.'. Fact: Iowa is the only state where people can get excited about drilling for oil, yet still be more concerned about the price of corn.
• Headline: MOST EMERGENCY POWER OF PRESIDENT NEARS END; KEEPING AN EYE ON THE PRESIDENT. Impact: The nearing end of the president's emergency power led to a slight uptick in conspiracy theories about what he was planning next, leading to countless late-night talk show jokes and a general sense of unease that has persisted ever since. Fact: Presidential emergency powers are like a pair of pants—no one wants to wear them, but sometimes you just have to.
• Headline: ELECTRICITY WIDELY USED; City Homes Well Equipped for Lighting and Heating. Impact: The widespread use of electricity in cities led to the phenomenon of people staying up late binge-watching shows instead of sleeping, paving the way for insomnia to become a badge of honor in the modern world. Fact: Before electricity, people actually had to talk to each other at night—what a nightmare!.
• Headline: REVIVAL OF MOZART'S 'MAGIC FLUTE' IN PARIS; 'MAGIC FLUTE' IN PARIS. Impact: The revival of Mozart's 'Magic Flute' in Paris not only reignited global interest in classical music but also inadvertently contributed to the rise of hipster cafes where people sip lattes while discussing the philosophical implications of opera. Fact: If you ask a hipster about Mozart, they might tell you they liked him before he was mainstream, just to sound cool.
• Headline: Gigli Asserts Civil Wear Is Foreseen in U.S.; Blames Unions; Hits at Metropolitan Opera. Impact: Gigli's assertion about civil war and union blame led to a series of dramatic interpretations in operas, ultimately convincing a few misguided souls that the best way to resolve conflict was through song, not negotiation. Fact: Beniamino Gigli believed opera could solve all problems, which explains why he never got invited to family Thanksgiving dinners.